Shit! I'm old.

i have 3 "godchildren" however, only 1 of the 3 have been baptized which makes me really her "godmother". it just so happens that she is also the first godchild i have, which in turn makes her my favorite, but that can always change (wink, wink).

AC was born when i was 10 days shy of my 14th birthday. i was in the 8th grade and living it up. she was born and it was a shock to have her come along, but alas, she was a blessing in disguise as most surprise babies are. she had big blue eyes, and a huge grin. she was a happy baby from what i can remember, and she looked just like her mother. when she was baptized i swore to god that i would teach her all the things a godmother is supposed to teach her, and then some. she had many nicknames and talents, Medusa was one name on the list, and by age 4 she could recite and perform every move in the "Spice Girls Movie". it only occurred to me recently that when she was growing and being a kids kid, i was in college, and missed out on some important teachings.

all of a sudden she was in high school, and i had been "gone", from her life. i mean i was there to go to dance recitals, and birthdays, and even babysit on the rare occasion that her grandparents couldn't babysit. i tried to help out, but i didn't want to over step my boundaries as a godmother and not a parent. what i didn't realize is that you can make suggestions or help out as long as you figure out a good way to do it, but, the tricky thing with first children and first time parents is that you (the parent) want to figure it out, and do it your way.  sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. this isn't to say AC wasn't raised well, or had everything she ever asked for and more, this is more of a hit on my own ego that i wish i spoke up more often to make an effort in understanding her.

i understand this kid more than she knows. i can speak the things she has trouble putting into words, but instead i chose to sit back and not help her out, and watch her make silly choices that could have been avoided. silly choices will be made regardless of who intervenes, BUT, repetitive silly choices can always be avoided. i don't blame myself completely, i am not mad at myself, but i am disappointed that someone like me, so outspoken most of the time, couldn't open my mouth to help the kid out.

nothing terrible has happened, nothing earth shattering that is. i just worry she'll turn out like me, as awesome as i am, i have, if you haven't noticed, a lot of built of bullshit that brews and sits and soaks into the recesses of my mind and fucks with me and my choices as an adult. i wouldn't wish my "retardation" on anyone, it's no way to live.

she's a great kid. smart, beautiful, caring, kind, hilarious, family oriented, sweet, and good taste in music- (which is a recent phenomenon). she turns 18 on sunday, and i just hope that she realizes all the good and beauty in this world she is. she's deserving of so much more than she gives herself credit for, and truly, can be, ANYTHING.

18? shit! i'm old. guess, that makes me, 27 all over again.

Happy birthday my dear, darling, sweet, AC! Cheers to many HAPPY, amazing, and wonderful years more! love- yaya

thoughts that cross my warped mind.

have you ever seen a fat<heavy> person do yoga? i haven't either. i mean, in really amazing positions and on posters and such. i have seen heavy people do yoga in a studio. i've really only ever seen thin people, very flexible thin people. i guess, i should take a hint and give it a better "college" try maybe then i won't be that chubby girl doing yoga, i'll get to be that really thin, bendy person.

happy "regular" people valentine's day.

the double F (ff)

double F as this month has been coined recently, due to the annual February Funk that i seem to find myself in circa 1999. it isn't a funk like other funks, it fluctuates from day to day. some days i'm angry and nasty, some i'm fine, some i'm simply frustrated, others i want to sleep. let me say that this funk, although known, is never expected, or welcomed with open arms. it creeps up, like a project you forgot to do and suddenly is due in a day.

generally, this is the progression of the double F; a few days either leading up to February or the immediate beginning of February, i start to become snarky, and easily frustrated, i'll snap at RB or i'll catch myself crying for, what seems like,  no reason. i'll frantically look at the calendar to check on my cycle, i'll focus on things happening at work, stress, projects, etc, then i will actually focus on what's going on at home that might be setting me off. the usual result: i look at the calendar and realize that i shouldn't have hormonal reactions to things, stresses at work are the same as every other month, and home is home. it clicks- it's february, it's the double f.

it's not an excuse to be rude, or angry. trust me, i wish i could control the roller coaster of emotions i often feel throughout the month. its really difficult not having a filter whatsoever, and having an extremely sensitive, low-self-worth feeling husband who does nothing but try so desperately to make you happy and smile, which some might find cute and sweet, but i want to throw a frying pan at him for it all.

i don't know how to make anyone understand how little control i have over myself. i can't escape my mind. i'm trapped in thoughts i shouldn't be having, and re-thinking, over-thinking everything. it makes me sick, literally.

i cannot be excused for my behavior, however, it seems unfair to hold me accountable for it for the entire month. i try to appropriately express my feelings and my not being able to deal with anyone or anything prior to flipping my shit, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

so, here it is, this month- not so good for me, not so good for anyone having to come in contact with me. i wish i could figure this out, so far, no go. i feel like all at once i could run away, get divorced, have a baby, quite my job, sell my clothes, buy a new wardrobe, move out, kill someone, workout every day, not work out at all, sleep 18 hours a night, sleep 4 hours a night, eat everything, or starve myself.

whatever you're currently feeling, magnify it by 10 and you just might come closet to understanding how i've been feeling. don't feel bad for RB either, not for nothing, he doesn't make it easier on himself. when asked to be left alone, he often crawls up my ass so far i feel like i'm getting another colonoscopy. trust me, he's a good man, and means well, but sometimes that can only go so far.

welcome to my double f, hopefully it won't be as bad as it has been in the past.

is it april yet?

fuck this. i hate to rush time because i know life is short and blah, blah, blah however, i wasn't paying much attention to what month it was, i mean don't get me wrong i know exactly what month it is, but i'm just chugging on through it. with that being said, i can't stand it. i hate feeling the way i feel and seriously not having much control over it. i know what you're thinking; if you know what month it is, than stop thinking about the month, the weather, and what it affect it has on you. well, i can't.

are you confused? well stop. it seems that since i have been a late teen- since college- the month of february is my dark month. without ever knowing how or why, i become so fucked. down in a funk. THE FUNK. i want to hide. i don't want to leave my home, my room, my bed. i don't want to talk to anyone, including my husband, i rethink everything i have done with my life up until this point and where i want to go from here on in. i cry. a lot. i'm angry, i'm sad, and i'm heart broken. i wonder what i've done wrong or what i can do to change the way i feel, but every february comes and i wonder all the same things, and it can, and does frighten me every year.

as much as i fight it; exercise, sleep, rest, talk, not talk, hang out with friends, ignore, it doesn't change it. the funk usually dissipates starting with my birthday at the beginning of march, and even then, it's not quite gone. it's never really gone until April. there have been times where the funk ends, and picks back up again a few months later. without fail, february comes and i truly fucking hate me, and pretty much everything i've ever done. this worst part about this year... i'm missing someone that usually helps me through my funk, and i have no one left to blame but me. (that's whole other story and issue that perhaps one day i'd be willing and able to admit to).

<open, close... i'm on the beach>

"i want to go to there."

did i ever mention that dad worked on the show "30 rock" for all of the seasons of it's inception? no? well he did, and it was my favorite job of his, and so fucking cool. when RB & i were getting married, i went to the make-up department for the show to help provide me with and teach me how to do my own make up. i have numerous items, tee-shirts, sweatshirts, posters, pictures from the show which is pretty awesome. on top of all this, the show is a great show, i'm sad to see it go, it has provided me with some amazing lines, and new vernacular that i use on the daily- "what the what?"

when the opportunity presented itself to attend the series finale's wrap party, i couldn't have been more excited. seriously, i was so excited that i couldn't sleep. i have always had dreams of hanging with tina fey, amy poehler and jimmy fallon (and of course the rest of the actual cast of the show). i want to be on t.v. i'm practically liz lemon for crying out loud, except from the writing, and single hood, and childless at 40+, i'm all about the awkward self-esteem and random one-liners.

RB didn't go, so instead JD came as my date and we had a great time, unforgettable and completely fucking awesome. we arrived to see the Saturday Night Band playing amazing blues, jazz, motown party music, tip-top shelf open bar, and delicious food. (RB regrets not coming after all, i did miss him and feel kinda bad for him, but JD enjoyed herself enough to not make me feel too bad for RB).

the cast members could be found all over the room, socializing with just about everyone. dad spoke to Jeff Richmond for a while on numerous occasions- Jeff Richmond is married to Tina Fey and did all the music for the show, not to mention he could be seen in several episodes- such a sweet and polite man who knows my dad by name. Jack McBrayer was all smiles, and Tracey Morgan showed up and socialized, took a picture with my mom, as well as Alec. Jane Krakowski was all over and such a sweet lady. The gentlemen who play Grizz "Grizz" Chapman and Kevin "Dot Com" Brown were lovely, enormous, gentlemen who said hello to everyone. JD and i were looking for dad we were approached by Kevin "Dot Com" Brown, this is how the encounter went:

Kevin Brown: Hello Ladies. You didn't work on the show did you?
JD: mouth gaping open, stunned and at a loss for words turns to me.
Me: No, my dad <pointing in dad's direction> is apart of the crew.
Kevin Brown: I thought so, i would remember girls like you. So, you're dad is R.W.S.? They crew is everything here, they are the back bone of the show. they keep the show going and we [little] actors couldn't do it without them, they truly are the show. if i haven't told your dad already please tell him again, how grateful i am to him and what a great job he did over the years.
JD: smiling.
Me: Will do. that's very nice of you to say. Thank you.
Kevin Brown: <looking JD up and down with a smile> now, you ladies enjoy yourselves tonight!
Me: Thanks, you too.

i was convinced JD was being hit on, it wouldn't be the first time, she's very attractive.

Keith "toofer" Powell told us to have a good evening after saying hello to us as if we were all old friends. these encounters, although lovely and unexpected, they were not the highlight of my evening, not by a long shot.

Tina Fey had walked past me on numerous occasions and she was close to me on the dance floor but it wasn't enough. i wanted a moment, but i wasn't going to stalk the woman. my chance came in an unexpected place. i walked out of a bathroom stall approaching a sink to wash my hands when JD catches my eye. JD is standing somewhat deer-in-headlight look, pointing in the direction of a petite woman in pants, fixing her make-up in the bathroom mirror. it was her! tina! i walked right over took my phone out and tapped her on the shoulder. I apologized for bothering her, and for interrupting her good time. she said it was ok, and then i proceeded to say, "you are one of my comedic icons, can i please take a picture with you?" tina laughed, said thank you, and of course, absolutely.

we took  a photo that some say i look like Tina's twin, or an old friend of hers. it was a great moment, i just accosted one of my favorite women in comedy in the bathroom. JD couldn't believe what i had done but i was pretty pleased with myself. <what the what?!>

nothing ruined the rest of my night. i danced with my friend, and my parents to amazing music, and had a fabulous time. i wish the show wasn't ending i feel like i could have done some great things with ms. fey.

SNL band

should i have done a year in review?

i feel like i should have done a year in review similar to a fellow blogger and one of my besties. i just get the feeling that my year in review will compare in comparison of interest or milestones if you will. i lead a fairly boring life. no kids, nothing really to do, no real milestones, i suppose. i did however, travel- vegas- remember got sick on the way there, europe for the first time ever- how could you forget the violent illness that required RB and i to come home 6 days early. it also enabled me to lose weight, jump start my new "weight-loss" regime.  buy an apt, and celebrate many things with family and friends, like new babies being conceived and born.

i definitely feel though that 2013's gonna be big. well, maybe not big, but something a little different anyway. we'll travel and still go places, we have a few trips already in the making, hawaii and alabama are just a few of the places on the list. we'll finally get be actual owners of our apartment and renovate it, my dad is 60, , and who knows what else might happen--- just have this small suspicion it'll be good, maybe nothing to write home about, but good.

bring it on 2013.

Well...

happy new year kids! i cannot believe i have been lax in my blogging. well, first, christmas was lovely, well, it was fine anyway. stressful because i help mom and we both do so much work- more mom than me of course however, still a little hectic. i had a relaxing and enjoyable week off, and then of course--- new years eve. violently ill, and barely able to move. i went to my mom's anyway just for a few hours. i couldn't have a happy new year without my parents. unfortunately, the fun had to end and i had to go back to work- boo, hiss!

the biggest thing that was/is this month is my dad's 60th birthday! this is a huge day. it means a lot to me that i have my dad, let alone have my dad to 60. my grandfather, my dad's dad, died when i was 1, when my dad was 29 years old, and he was 58 years old. i still don't really know how it affected my dad, but when i think about the fact that my dad is 60! i feel super lucky. RB's dad died when RB was 29, and he was 58 years old, which is just another reason to feel super lucky. dad was not happy about turning 60, he was feeling old, and unhappy about his age, but i kept trying to remind him that it was great to be 60, i was happy he was 60 and he is nothing like a regular-everyday-run-of-the-mill 60 year old man.

i finally had enough with my dad feeling down on himself. so i shared an unfortunate story with him: last monday while at work it was reported that a lovely, sweet, and caring paraprofessional who was nothing short of wonderful, had gone into the hospital for a routine heart surgery. with any surgery there are risks, and she continued with her surgery. after 7 hours, doctors attempted to wake her up, while coming out of anesthesia her organs began shutting down one by one, and she passed away. she left behind her 3 kids, and her loving husband. she was 42 years old.

although it was sad, and truly heartbreaking, i think my point came across. dad stopped, at the very least, complaining to me.

dad and mom often have this conversation about "what do you want to accomplish before you die or get old" kinda thing. usually, mom says things like, a doctorate degree, travel, etc. dad on the other hand, a man who has already accomplished more in a day than some do in a year. dad's thing on his list-- be able to do a back flip. a back flip! so, what does one do when they want to accomplish such a thing? register for gymnastics classes and hide it from everyone. he is currently practicing 1-2 times a week, working on the very least, a back handspring. the. man. is. nuts. but i love him. i'll let you know how the back flip goes... just picture it though, it's hilarious but yet pretty amazing!