the idea is growing on me

there is so much that has come into my brain since reading past posts on http://www.growingupmaine.blogspot.com i should start slow though and begin with what was on my mind.

i have, for years, had issues with aspects of being a grown-up. one aspect that has always been atop of the list, babies. the other, a "house" or something owned. if it were up to RB we would have had something owned, and at least 1 kid and another on the way by the time our first anniversary came 'round. i thank god everyday that it's not up to him! :-) i know i have mentioned this before, numerous times, but our first 2 years of marriage were far from pleasant. if we owned something, i would have had to have someone else help pay our mortgage, because whatever you think about living off one salary, that of a NYC teachers salary isn't enough. dealing with a depressed, sick husband with a kid or 2 most certainty would not have been fun, or easy. there is no doubt in my mind that i wouldn't have survived. what i really mean to say is that i would have lived,  but i can say with almost 100% certainty my marriage would have not. again, i thank god everyday that it's not ALL up to RB.

for a long while i have laughed off the suggestions that we should have a baby. "when are you going to have a baby?" is one of those most irritating and ridiculous questions i think you can ask anyone, especially me. one, it's not any of your business, b) i'm not a fortune teller, i can't see the future, 3. i don't know that i want to be a mom, 4. i don't know, i haven't tried! what i want to know is where is the law that states at a certain age, and certain amount of years married you need to get on that? anyway, i am seriously loosing focus. i've warmed up to the idea of being a mom. i really owe a lot of it to three things, 1. therapy- everyone should go to therapy even if you think you shouldn't at some point in your life, not forever, but it's a healthy place, 2. my best friends & their kids- i love them, truly with my whole heart, i couldn't imagine life without them or their wonderfully magical kids, when E, LV and BDS look at me, call my name or respond to me in such a loving way, it melts my cold heart and makes me want one of my own- don't tell RB. lastly and most importantly, RB's health- he has been taking such good care of himself, there's still room for improvement, like anything else, but he has become so much more meticulous about it and he makes me proud.

something owned... this has been an internal battle for me for years. on the one hand i completely understand the "good idea" it is for us/me own something, however, the freedom to move whenever, and not have to fix "it" ourselves, the lack of responsibility seems absolutely dreamy to me. unfortunately, we have outgrown this place, its small and when friends come we stay at my mom's house. it seems silly to NOT buy something and just move to a bigger apartment. we've been looking on and off for YEARS. we've looked at everything IMAGINABLE. co-ops, condos, beach houses, cottages, houses, tudors.

I had decided that if i was going to invest in something that i wasn't sure i was ready for it better be spacious. unfortunately, we live in NYC. to buy a house in NYC you must have a lot of money to spend up front- houses are expensive, taxes are cheap, however, in LI taxes are high but to buy the house it's fairly inexpensive. i looked and looked and tried to picture myself living in LI- if you don't know any LI people, lucky you. They are distinctly different from city people, very distinctly different. i have statistics that prove how much i don't like LI people. for every 5 i meet, i like and can stand 1. 20%. that's it, 20%. i became sure that i wouldn't fall into the 20% of people i liked from LI if i moved there. i know, i know, technically i'm from the city, but if i had a kid, that kid would be from LI- NOT GONNA HAPPEN. the only caveat to this plan was Long Beach, a section of LI that is an island all it's own, with it's own rules, and feel and it's on the beach, one of my most favorite places on the planet. RB wasn't into moving to LB, (i'm working on this as an eventual plan),  so i had to rethink how i was feeling about space.

live in area that isn't terrible but i can't picture living there but i can afford it, OR, do a city search and live in smaller quarters in a place i am very comfortable with? again, a city search becomes a problem, like i said, we can't really afford a house in the city in a neighborhood we would want to live, what i originally thought i didn't want, a 2 bedroom co-op/condo was now on the list.

so here we are. looking at 2 bedroom apartments, essentially. we have found a good alternative and have come to a conclusion. we have decided that we will put a bid on a 2 bedroom, 1 bath co-op in the same neighborhood in which we currently live. it is old, but cheap. it could potentially cost us as much as our current rent, with utilities, which actually makes it CHEAPER. the fun part and super scary part, it needs work. IT NEEDS WORK. it's livable, but OLD. the idea is to fix it to our taste, and lets face it, that's really my taste. I'm kinda excited and scared of course, but it'll be my space, my ideas, and it won't cost an arm and a leg. eventually, we could and will sell it and make a profit so that we can use it to buy a house in the city, a real life house, 3 bedrooms, 2 bath or a super fabulous beach house in LB.

so grown-up, i know. the amazing thing about my friends, my best friends, the ones i can't live without, is that they do grown-up things, and own houses and have kids, but they are far from grown-ups. shit, my parents have a kid, own a house and are far from grown-ups! i think that a few grown-up activities that are life changing may not be so bad. they probably won't make me that much more grown-up than i already am. i could probably use a little grown-up stuff here and there, nothing serious though. we'll start small, and buy an apartment, the idea is growing on me.

grown-up stuff

my cousin, who i often refer to as my younger sister unfortunately has crohn's disease. it's not a nice disease, it causes all these intestinal problems etc. it's a genetic disease. so, after visiting with my gastro doctor, a lovely petite asian woman, it was suggested that perhaps my severe IBS (irritable bowl syndrome- delicious), could be crohn's. the only way to tell... colonoscopy. i hope everyone knows that this type of procedure isn't normally done prior to age 50, unless of course, there's an issue. how lucky and happy was i when i found out i might have an issue and this was the solution at 31.

i scheduled my fabulous procedure for a date that i knew i'd be off from work, because as much as my principal is caring, i don't like having to explain to her why i need certain procedures, because she gets a little overly concerned. the directions specifically said, no corn, iron, high-fiber foods, green leafy vegetables at least 3 days prior to the procedure. day before procedure only clear liquids, no solid foods, or anything with red/purple dyes. then of course there's the "bowel prep kit"!! drink 6 ounces of this liquid "mr. plumber" at 5pm with 10 ounces of water, drink it within 1 hour at your own pace. then the next hour drink 32 ounces of water. repeat this process 6 hours prior to your procedure. my procedure was at 9:30 am so you can imagine my excitement ot get up at 3 am and do this task all over again.

well, i followed these directions to a "T" and i was so hungry. i thought that it wouldn't be so bad, but the more food i realized i couldn't eat, the more lime jell-o i ate. i don't think i could have lime jell-o for a long time. of course the liquid "bowel prep kit" was another issue. it smelled like cough syrup, which isn't anything i mind, but the taste! oh goodness THE TASTE!!, is completely indescribable. i choked that shit down as fast as humanly possibly concentrating on not bringing it back up. I went to the bathroom every 5-10 minutes for the next 2 hours. I swore i lost 10 lbs, but i didn't. the first round of drinking the 48 ounces of water and prep kit, my belly looked like i was 6 months pregnant it was so full of liquid, and it hurt. the act of running to the bathroom was annoying for the next few hours but the act wasn't terrible.

waking up at 2, because i knew what i was in store for i pushed it an hour, was a bit of a struggle. i drank that shit again in 15 minutes, the next 32 ounces in 15 minutes and watched some Seinfeld from 2-3am. Thank goodness for something good to watch. bath rooming was not as frequent or necessary.

after arriving at the office at 9:15 for my procedure, my blood pressure was taken, 106/60, weight taken, and prepped. i was knocked out, because when you think about what a colonoscopy is there AIN'T NO WAY you can do this awake. i woke up, asked for RB and waited to go see the doctor with results. i felt no pain, my blood pressure was even lower than before something like 98/60, to which i informed the nurse i usually have a really low bp. we went in and saw my petite asian doctor, i told her usually i prefer dinner and drinks before anyone sees my ass to which she chuckled and agreed and told me that i was free of crohn's. i have nothing extremely serious wrong with me, just some severe IBS.

i'm sure you are all wondering why did i tell you this story. the reasons are simple; i OFFICIALLY feel like an adult. this kind of doctors appointment and procedure makes you a sure-fire adult. i wanted to tell you that it's not that bad. it sounds unpleasant and i don't recommend it before you need it, but it's not that bad, plus, i find the humor in the seriousness of having procedures so young, they make me prepared for anything later on. it's the same way i feel about RB being so sick years ago, or when we lost his dad and his grandfather a few months apart after being married a month. it's not funny ha ha, but funny odd, and i feel prepared for anything because of all of it.

next adult things on the horizon- a possible home/co-op purchase and maybe a kid... we'll see. i doubt though that i'll ever really be a grown-up, regardless of my experiences.

k-2 summer school

when i started my teaching career, almost 10 years ago, i started out teaching high school leveled special education students, 14-21 years old. I taught math mostly, some years science and some years art and english. during summer school i taught high school, middle school, 2-3 grade, autistic, emotionally disturbed, and physically handicapped students. after 6 years of teaching high school i switched to elementary school. i currently teach 5/6 grade emotionally behaviorally disturbed. what that means to you is pretty much nothing, my group of students have severe emotional, behavioral and social issues, they are great! i mean that sarcastically and slightly literally. I was switched to the librarians position for the month of june because the librarian needed surgery, and it was easier to have my class get split up and me cover than pay for a sub.

i like my job, i mean if i have to work this is kinda what i'd prefer to do. anyway, like i said i work summer school, for the past few years i've had my own class during summer which totally sucks, because the enjoyable part about working summer school is a new group of kids, new problems, new place to work, but now getting stuck with your own class is like 12 months of torture. 

this summer was different. i was placed in the k-2 class emotionally disturbed class. i was scared as usual to do something new and different but i had 2 amazing paraprofessionals, and the kids although nuts sometimes were fun! so refreshing, so much fun, i actually felt like i was doing something... sometimes.we read a lot of stories, did plenty of science experiments and learned about potential and kinetic energy. we went to the playground, and park, we went for walks, and played games.  i'm not saying that i want the younger kids all i'm saying was that it was fun, and i was glad to have the opportunity to do something different. keeps me fresh, i told my principal that i must be a shirt that says one-size-fits-all because she keeps putting me in any old position she has.

I have to say with it being september 1, i am not looking forward AT ALL to going back to work. I like my days off to work out and go to the beach and not deal with fake people or crazy kids. hopefully, this year will be as much fun as this summer, with older kids. heres hoping.

everything's not lost

my 10th annual summer visit to Maine, was better than it has been, (no offense to those i see or love seeing). the weather was great, not perfect, i ran 3 times including race day, i slept fairly well considering there was a 2 year old running around every morning, i relaxed, i ate A LOT, and i laughed  A LOT too. 

aside from playing games, which led to uncontrollable fits of laughter, seeing old friends that i hardly get to see, eating a ton of food i shouldn't, and running, thats right i said running the race, not finishing last, feeling pretty good going a little over 12-minute miles, i saw my two best friends in the entire world, their kids, and their husbands. 

Jan and June are the best friends i always wanted. they are all i've ever really needed. i think everyone has a best friend, but i'm lucky to have two. it works out best for us really because we keep each other grounded, stable, "normal" in an abnormal way. it's difficult to explain if you don't have two amazing people in your life. they are smart, funny and amazing women and mothers. i got to spend some quality time with not only them, but also their 3 amazing kids between the two of them. i was only slightly harassed for not having any kids myself, but i laughed and didn't let it bother me like it would if it were anyone else because i know where it is coming from. i enjoyed almost every minute of my time with them, the only time i didn't enjoy was saying see you next time. it is truly the only time where we three pretend we live in the same town and maybe thats how it should be because if we actually did live closer, we might not see each other as much in a quality sort of way. our lives get busy, and i believe being far apart helps us to stay close together. love you sleeves. 

when you drive into the state of Maine you read nothing but the following mottos "Vacationland" and "Maine: The way life should be" and it was exactly that. 

i won't get lost this time

one week from today i will be done with summer school for this year and heading up for my annual 5 day getaway to Maine to visit my Maine family. the 5 days that, to quote June, "June, Jan and I pretend we live within driving distance of one another". as usual all the wonderful things Maine has to offer will be done, including a much needed nap on the hammock, lobster, beach time and vegan approved dinner with *katie and *meg, along with some outlet shopping. even RB is making the trip!

last year, i was wogging, and signed up for that Maine Summerfest 5K that i looked at as a workout, and if you look back, you'll remember i got lost and turned it into a 6K. i'll be doing that damned "race" again and i will NOT get lost. i started wogging back in March, and I was feeling really strong and figured that i would get better and better. then, i got sick, repeatedly. wogging, and even working out wasn't happening. we went to europe and i had decided when we returned i would turn my wogging into a real run- wogging = a walk/jog. unfortunately, i got so sick, that i could barely eat when we returned, as you might remember. i lost 6 lbs on vacation, 2-3 more once i got home, which eventually turned into a total loss of 12 lbs in 6 weeks. i'm not complaining AT all about the weight loss, it feels great too be lighter, however, i am super flabby, and nothing fit.

when the end of may hit, and i was finally feeling well enough to "train" again, you guessed it, i got sick, and to top it off, the meds that i was ordered to take, for 15 days, clearly states "no exercise". even my doctor said, "no exercise" no strenuous activity while your on the meds and 5 days after. 20 days?! really!?

finally, july came and i was all set, 12lbs lighter, ready to "run". i began doing pilates again 3 times a week and wogging at least 3 times a week. i am seriously so slow. it hurts to wog, but i try, tight hips and all. there's no possible way i will keep up with Jan and June who are runners, regardless of what Jan says/thinks. i know i will NOT get lost this time, and i sure as shit better go at least 40 minutes. i've been averaging 12-13 minute miles these last few weeks, but you never know once i get on the road. god help me, Jan's gonna kick my fucking ass.

the night i decided to drive

my mother-in-law or i like to refer to her as... no, no i'll be nothing but pleasant when it comes to my MIL, although... anyway, my MIL was kind and generous enough to lend me her lesbian looking subaru. i have nothing against lesbians, i enjoy lesbians, however, i look like a total lesbian in this particular vehicle. it also has hardly any pick-up, however it has a killer sunroof! i digress. rb and i went to visit some friends this past weekend, and usually rb would drive but i offered to drive with the contingent plan that if i were to intoxicated to drive home, he could drive his mother's car home. this time it wasn't the case. i enjoyed a small glass of white wine whereas rb indulged in slightly more than that. 

rb almost never drinks. he often is afraid of being an angry drunk- never angry or violent with me, but rb has a slight filter as it is, when alcohol is introduced the filter disintegrates and everyone is fair game. he will remember almost everything, however, he will have a hard time controlling what he is saying as he is saying it and in what volume he is saying it. i absolutely love it! 

rb and our friend john first had some bourbon, than moved onto the Johnny Walker Gold Label and finished off the bottle. both john and rb were wasted face, as i love to say. john we are used to consuming large quantities of alcohol whereas both john and dana his wife, and a long time friend of mine, have never and i mean never seen his like this. 

rb was signing and slurring most of his words. at one point he said, "i'm worried i'm going to get angry drunk." i responded with, "if you get angry drunk, i will punch you sqaure in the face." rb replied, "oh, you think you can punch me, but, i am kung foo serious!" the three of us laughed, and in reality i knew what the dag-on-fool was trying to say but it was hilarious to see someone who is "so put together" fall apart. after a few hours of his ranting and versions of "call me maybe" that i so totally wish i caputured on video, we ordered a pizza. he scoffed down some pizza, spilled his scotch on dana's couch, watched some olympics with one eye closed because he was convinced that that would help him from seeing triple and left around 11:30 to head home. 

the entire ride home was priceless. "oh rapunzel, i'm so drunk! did you know i was this drunk?" "its good that i'm not driving, i couldn't drive, people might die." etc. all this was said with a slurred sort of speech impediment, and a giggle. we get home, i put rb to bed, take off his glasses, give him tylenol, water and say goodnight. again, i get a mumbled mess of an "i love you" and "i'm really drunk, but not as drunk as i was before" and he passes out without moving for 12 hours. 

i know none of this may sound all that funny or interesting to you, but if you knew rb at all, you would recognize the hilarity of this evening. i hope it happens again when we go to maine for our my 10th annual week in maine vacation. i want to share it with jan and june and their respective husbands, but it needs to happen naturally and apparently with bourbon and scotch! 

really?

this whole car thing is for the fucking birds. i was perfectly content with my vehicle and now after 21 days i am still driving around in a ridiculous rental car and wasting time. i'm so over being frustrated. i finally picked a damn car and guess what, we can't find it anywhere. it needs to be custom made. part of me thinks i should just give in and get a damn automatic, but part of me feels like if i have to get a new car, and i have to put all this money into a car, i should at the very least get what I want. the car shopping, the rental car, the waiting is making me completely aggravated.

i just know that this fucking 20-something fucked me. my plans are all in the air for the summer, i'm completely uncomfortable driving a rental, so i barely go anywhere. if it wouldn't make me so sweaty and gross i would just ride my bike to work. i realize that all of this might be ridiculous however, i didn't want or need a new car so this entire experience is annoying. i know that it's good to be ok, and alive, but 21 days, c'mon, i'm done.

someone seriously talk me down because i am almost ready to drive to the insignificant 20-somethings house and punch her in the face.

*i know totally overdramatic, but i can't help it these two days*