milestone kind of a year.

2014 is filled with a lot of relationship milestones. I'm not sure why  we do things in increments of 5, they seem to be more of a milestone than in increments of 6, or 7, also milestone worthy, but 5 seems to be the go to tracking method.

March will mark RB and I's first kiss, 10 years ago!! and on March 6th we will have been married for 5 years. This is a huge deal to me, because between years 2-4, it was kinda touch and go, this isn't to say that things are perfect, because there is no such thing, but, to be married 5 years, it is a milestone after all the bullshit that we put each other through during the first few years of marriage. It's very comforting to know that we pulled through some super hard times, and have found a groove, and how to properly deal with each other instead of slicing his throat while he sleeps just to watch him bleed. 

I am excited to celebrate this milestone. We aren't big on celebrating our anniversary or things like a "first" kiss, or valentine's day, but we do have our own versions of celebrating. for instance, for valentine's day we have kosher valentine's day and we go to dinner for our anniversary. Although, you will often find us out to dinner on the weekends, we try to make sure that our anniversary dinner is slightly more "fancy". We have decided to go to the same place we went to last year to celebrate, and I'm thinking that from now on, that will be our go-to anniversary spot. 

This July will be yet another milestone, it marks the 15th anniversary of RB and I meeting each other for the first time. Maybe one day I can get him to write his version of our meet-cute, but, for now you'll have to settle for mine. 

RB and I have an interesting story, and I'm not sure if I've ever told you my version of our meet-cute, forgive me if I repeat myself.

I met Rick* in the summer of 1997,  I was 16 and he was headed to college in the fall. We hung out for some of the summer, doing what a 16 year old and an 18 year old does. He left for school and met his roommate. The following summer, 1998, Rick began working at our locale toys r' us and became friends with this kid named Sam*, Sam was a hilarious character and provided much entertainment for the remainder of the summer. One night, Rick, Sam and a few other guys all hung out, they decided to invite Rick's roommate from college, who was supposedly a very funny individual, unfortunately I was grounded for doing something I probably shouldn't have, and couldn't go. I was mostly bummed because I was 17 and stuck at home, but also because I was tired of hearing all about Rick's roommate. The summer continued and I never got the chance to meet Rick's supposed hilarious roommate. Finally, the summer of 1999 arrived and everyone was home from college! One fateful evening I arrived at Sam's parents house, as we did every night in the summer, there was a new face there. Rick was no where to be found, but Sam was talking to this nerdy looking kid in a white t-shirt, khaki shorts, and open-button down collard shirt. After being introduced to RB, Sam did something stupid, to which RB said something ridiculously sarcastic and I simply couldn't stop laughing. That was it, it was our meet-cute, ever since then he's been making me laugh ridiculously everyday. People have come and gone, but we've stayed together.

I thought once that I didn't want things to change, and then I couldn't wait for things to to change. Now, I'm glad we've gone with the flow, and I love him more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow (as corny as that sounds). I look forward to celebrating our next 5, 6, 7, 50 years, and I can't wait to continue to "ride the wave where it takes me". 

surprise- a ruined 30th birthday

in march 2009 RB and i tied the proverbial knot. in april his grandfather died and in july his dad died. it was a rough year. in december, RB was slated to turn to the dark-side, dirty thirty. he didn't want a party. i insisted that this birthday of all the birthdays be celebrated. so i planned a small gathering of people to attend a "surprise" attack at my mom's house for his impending demise of his twenties.

it was tough for RB to see his family, so as unfair as it was, and they'll never understand it, they weren't invited, (other than his mom). i mailed out corny surprise party invites to people who had never been to my moms with the date and time, specifically to my grandmother and step-grandfather because they are older and i wanted them to know it was in fact a surprise. in big bold letters i wrote MOM'S HOUSE, with her address and her phone number.

so, sunday comes and i pretend that we are heading over to my parents for a regular old sunday dinner. RB is fine with this arrangement- its mooch-a-meal sunday. as he is getting dressed OUR doorbell rings. i cannot answer our doorbell, we've lived in this shoebox for 3+ years and i still cannot answer the fucking bell. ask anyone. we have a camera on our bell as well, just an fyi. RB goes to the bell and there they are, the lollipop guild themselves. now, i love my grandparents but they are little, they look so tiny on that little camera, immediate confusion comes on RB's face, panic is on mine.

RB lets them upstairs and my grandfather looks around our apartment as if he's going to see a slew of party people.

my grandmother comes into my bedroom and asks in his best whispered voice- which isn't a whisper at all- "where is everyone?"

me: "are you serious?"
grandma: "yes, where are they?"
me: "they are where you should be. at mommies!"
grandma: "you never told me that!"

and she storms out of my bedroom, grabbing onto my grandfather, leaving the apartment. RB is now completely perplexed, but obviously figured it out, i'm crying out of anger because it was something so simple, and so easy. i called my mom's and got my dad on the phone and told him what just happened. i also had to tell RB what was going on.

we head over to my parents house and my grandparents are nowhere to be found. RB is still surprised by the people that are there and that i managed to get a sunday dinner put together for him without him knowing. when i ask my parents where my grandparents are, my mom says that my grandma felt really angry that i never told her where she was supposed to be that when they got to her house she was ranting and raving about she just left.

i was infuriated! you ruined the fucking birthday surprise and then you fucking go home! really? i know you're old and shit but c'mon! grow up- you're mad at me no less when you were the one who couldn't figure out where to go.

eventually, she apologized, and she was really just embarrassed. now we laugh about it. well at least RB and i do, we mock the fact that his surprise birthday party was ruined by the lollipop guild. ha ha ha, "where's everybody?" she asked! bat. shit. crazy. they are all bat, shit crazy.

the fact is she didn't ruin it for him, she ruined it for me. he thought and still finds this entire story hilarious and often says, "let's have a party and tell your grandparents about it so they show up at the wrong house." ahhh, old stubborn germans.

July 15, 1991

"dear rapunzel,

hi! how are you? you might not remember me but this is your cousin 'nancy' writing to you. i came up from Florida a couple of years ago. i got your address from your aunt. they came from Orlando, fl. to visit. you probably know they were down here for vacation. anyway, she suggested that you and me be pen pals. i think it's a great idea. if you do, here's my address:

please write back!

i heard you went to California. you are so lucky! what is it like? was it fun? where in California did you go? i heard you also broke your leg there. how? well, i have to go now. i hope we can be pen pals. bye!

your cousin,

Nancy

see ya!

p.s. we might come up for Christmas vacation."

there are a some awesome things about this:

1. we were 10.
2. i still have this.
3. i can almost guarantee that i didn't write Nancy back.
4.  Nancy has absolutely no recollection of writing this pen pal letter. i know, because i showed it to her recently. 
5. was i really all that lucky to go to California and break my fucking leg? 
6. Nancy literally just returned from California and i can guarantee she had a better time on her trip 20 years later than i did my first time around. 
7. she didn't come for Christmas vacation, but she did end up moving here in 2003. 
8. how much fun could i have possibly had with a fucking hip cast in July on vacation in California? not that much! i promise, the 2 nights in the hospital and the surgery were my least favorite moments, as were the lame 4th of July fireworks, trust me. the jumping to the front of the line at disneyland, sea world and theme parks due to the wheelchair was kinda cool though. 
9. i did remember her, but i obviously didn't care because like #3 says, i can almost guarantee, i didn't write her back and, 
10. i'm glad we didn't write, it might've ruined our actual friendship once she moved up here.

who's the 12 year old with the smokers cough?

i met this girl years ago, and we were kinda forced into being friendly to each other due to the circumstances of situation. at the time our boyfriends were best friends. we were polite, but we didn't care for one anothers' company, or so we thought. we thought the same thing about the other. what i thought of her: "she's a stuck up bitch from Long Island, who thinks who the hell she is", what she thought of me: "she's a stuck up bitch from Queens, who thinks who she is".

then something terrible happened. the bitch from long island said 'yes' to the marriage proposal. something had to be done. she was going to be around for a long time, and i was going to have to learn how to play nice. we went for coffee. it went great! later on, we both admitted disliking each other, thats how i have all this intel, that's also how i know that it did in fact go great, because i felt it, and she felt it. it made sense. we clicked. it was simple, and easy, and i loved her. she was my friend; my true friend.

everyone has their little quirks about them, things that make them seem crazy, i have a laundry list of items that actually do make me crazy, i really should have a rubber room somewhere. she liked me anyway and put up with all of it. she kept me calm, and let me cry, she didn't mock me for any of it. when she turned into crystal, her alternate "crazy" self, i went along with it, didn't mock, i rode the wave out.

i forgot to mention one thing about my friend. she's not only an amazing person, she has cystic fibrosis. the disease she had her entire life, became apart of my life. i absorbed it into my world. i loved her specifically because she never defined herself by her disease. it didn't overrun her life, but it did have to monopolize some of it; it's no small potatoes when it comes to diseases.

*Amy is small in stature, petite, like a little girl, but in a woman's body. she's thin, and has cream colored skin. her cheeks (as i remember), always had the color of peaches, (unless she wasn't feeling real well), she's lovely. i'm none of those things, and if we were just running out real quick somewhere, it almost looked like Amy was a 12-13 year old girl compared to me. the sound of her cough at first, is startling. but you get used to it. if you aren't used to a CF cough, you might mistake it for a smokers cough. (i have heard a smokers cough before and could always tell the difference, besides the point, i know). there would be times we would be out, or Amy would be out by herself, and she would cough, real hefty kinda coughing, and people would turn and stare, i wouldn't ignore Amy, i just didn't put a spot light on her. i'd wait till she was done and ask how she was. we would laugh and joke that people must wonder who is this 12 year old with the smokers cough.

years past, we grew closer and then something terrible happened. Amy was no longer my friend due to circumstances of situation. i was heartbroken. i was angry. i said i didn't give a shit, but really i did, a great deal. i missed my friend. i worried about my friend. she didn't need me like i needed her. she had a circle, a tight group of friends and support and love and people that always rode the wave of crystal well before the "stuck up bitch from queens" ever came along. i hated it. she did hurt me though, and i wasn't going to let that happen again. i have to state, a lot of those circumstances of situation that happened i couldn't blame Amy for; she was also put on a transplant list for new lungs because her health had depreciated so much, which didn't help in the situation either. it was a rough go for both of us personally. i was dealing with a lot of stuff on my end too.

18 months went by, give or take a few months and i got an email from Amy saying she saw a dress and thought of me. that was a crack of the door. it's been a year, and Amy and i have repaired our damaged friendship, and have planned on moving on from here. we have apologized for the past and realized that shit happens, circumstances of situations occur and we'll deal with it. this is all great news right? well, i've got even better news...

on december 9, 2011, someone, a glorious someone, who probably didn't think what they were doing at the time was a big deal, saved my friends life by becoming a donor. after months of waiting, and not feeling so great, but kept on praying, fingers and toes crossed, doctors visits, IV drugs, treatments, O2 tanks, 4 dry runs to the hospital, Amy got a double lung transplant. she's doing great. she feels great. she's amazing. she's always been amazing. i've cried a bunch of time because of this happy news. you can't understand how happy you can be for someone until you know them, and watch them wait, finally get a new organ, and new beginnings. in 2001 my uncle was given a second chance when he received a liver transplant.

become a donor, you might save someones life one day. thank you donor families EVERYWHERE. you are amazing people. thank you for saving 2 people i love. i know it's early but Merry Christmas, and Have a Happy and Healthy New Year Everyone.

*you know why you're name is Amy right?*

examining the past

untitled

empty, but yet full of life
nothing left to be discovered
but nothing known
where am i?
in a dream? or
awake as the bright blue sky?
i wander in search of something that i don't even know if it exists
or not
but what am i looking for?
love, intelligence, companionship
alone time or just myself?
looking in a mirror is like looking at a blank space
or a poorly lighted hallway
no doors to escape to,
not knowing where it leads, just space
hollow, and poorly lit
it's evil, life, you know
we walk around not ever really knowing anything
but living out thoughts, impressions and choices
i am a free spirit!
but free to do what?

this was written almost 12 years ago if not 12 years ago exactly. i was about 18 years old. i found it in a published college poetry "zine" in my room. when i read it it brought back every memory and feeling that made me write it. i understood and re-identified with the 18-year freshman girl who wrote it. i feel exactly the same way that she did every time i read it. i can't escape it.

you think that when you grow up, so much of you changes, and it does, but so much of you doesn't change at all. everything that this 18 year-old college freshman was writing about, whether you understand it, you relate to it, or not, i do, i feel it, i still, at 30, am this way. who knew that it would be so. i do know that the 18 year-old version of me thought for sure that the 30 year-old me would have a better understanding, or at least most of what the 18 year-old was referring to figured out, and in reality, i have to let the 18 year-old down and let her know, i don't. the truth is, the 18 year-old version of me isn't disappointed at all. she's relieved. she's relieved to know that it doesn't get any easier, or better, or more understood. nothing gets figured out, it only gets more complicated. it all gets more and more complicated. it's a relief to me that it does. it's a warped sense of thinking, but at least that's the consistent thing in this realm of mine.

there are few things i can count on; complications are one of them, and it's a relief to know, in a weird way that a complication will arise, i will have faith that i will make it through, i will learn from it, and i may or may not have figured something out. what's the point in worrying all the time? that just seems like time wasted on things that are out of my control, things that i can't change, things that hopefully i can learn from, laugh about later. this written work was a product of an 18 year-old who hoped she'd have something figured out, little did she know, that she was better off by having nothing figured out, she was freer than having something figured out... so stop worrying, have faith and breathe.