I can see for miles...

After not running for a week or so, i'm back in the (painful) swing of things. I have been trying to keep up with my working out because I know how important it is for me, my health and my ability to maintain my ideal weight. It hasn't been easy, and it certainly hasn't been fun. I also can't seem to break the 4-mile mark, which months ago, albeit slow, I could still get past 4-miles. I went for a run last Friday with a friend from work who is considerably faster than I, and she wanted some company. She wasn't feeling well but knew she needed to go out. She promised me an "easy" run, of course for her it was easy, and she was able to speak the entire time, full blow sentences, whilst I struggled to breathe and keep up. It should have been a faster run, but it wasn't as it turns out, mostly because I started out too fast. 

I had to begin breaking in my new sneakers and new orthotics because of the unbearable knee clicking, hip and lower back pain I was suffering from. Such an idiot I am, knowing full well I need to switch out the sneakers and yet continuing to run in the old, worn out crappy sneaks. (You'd think I would learn).

I'm still bummed over the fact that due to pool closures I can't train for a September triathlon. But there is always the 2015 season. 

I've been lifting at least 2 days a week, and squeezing in a 9+ mile ride a week as well. Now, to just get some pilates in there and work on that pelvic floor, to make sure that I have no upchuck reflex when looking at my naked self. That is my goal really, looking good naked. Not to be a specific weight, necessarily, not to wear a specific clothing size really, not even to look good in a bathing suit. For me, it's about liking the naked me. 

On a more clothed note: I'm really proud of two friends. In awe of them really. Jenski, who has been training for months almost "alongside" me for her half marathon in October and Jan, for her re-dedication to the art of running and also training for a half in October. Her husband is supposed to do it with her, I wonder how his training is going? Running for me is a necessary evil, but they are inspiring to me to do more. Maybe I won't train for a half, or a whole marathon, but it makes me think more seriously about longer triathlons. They both inspire me, and I'm super proud of them, even if they aren't proud or impressed with themselves! Good job ladies! Much love and keep going!! 

not my best moment

I've gone bat shit crazy. I've been doing such a good job, (if I do say so myself) at ignoring the stupid people around me. I have pretty much steered clear of facebook, walked away from conversations that make me feel the word vomit creep its way up through my throat, I've (tried) to keep my mouth shut. running at lunch has really helped me control my inability to ignore, and when I don't get out, I feel it.

today wasn't a particularly rough day. no days in recent years have been particularly rough. here and there, there have been moments in a day that I didn't think I'd make it through, but I managed. I've learned to speak to RB when I get home, and not yell at him for things that have little to nothing to do with him. Today was no different either. I was able to talk to him about my aggravating day.

again, I reiterate, that nothing was particularly hard, rough, or overwhelming, it was probably just the day where everything hit a point, and I simply couldn't take it.

I could easily get into the details, and complain (first world problems), but, I'm choosing not to. I am choosing to say that I'm slightly embarrassed for loosing my mind today, luckily, I lost it in front of people, I feel like are... my friends. (I might have shown signs of "crazy" earlier in the day, but the true rant and crazy didn't rear it's ugly head until I was with friends). It was not my best moment.

I'm thinking I'm tired, I'm stressing (or showing signs of anxiety) about things that, up until recently, I have learned to let go. I might need a break, and the end of June can't come soon enough. I shouldn't rush time, or my life away, but I just want to what I want to do; not for anyone else, not for work, not to make anyone else's life easier/more convenient or appease anyone. I want to go to the beach, stay up late, drink beer outside, workout when I want to, (have my clothes fit).

Take a breath, stand back, and relax.

The last few weeks.

It's been a rough few weeks, lemme tell ya. Between lack of workout motivation, and trying to complete my last two classes, plus all the work I have piled on my desk, and after school responsibilities, it's no wonder that I have been sick, run down, and tired for the last 5 days.

If you didn't know, I was taking online classes for the last 12 months in order to reach top salary with the board of ed. Granted, the classes were not the most intellectually stimulating, they did require plenty of work, and time to complete the tasks and getting a passing grade. I just completed my final project for my last class. I am hoping that the salary increase will provide me with the financial push I need to go back to school and get another degree, or simply enjoy my extra monies and go on better vacations! ;-)

Workouts have been lame, or non existent. It's not good. I was doing so well, then, spring break came and I was so tired, and wanted to rest. Rest I did. When I started to get my ass in gear, I started to feel crappy, and here we are, sitting on the couch blogging about how I haven't really worked out. I am still doing the triathlon in a month, so I am hoping this weekend will be filled with movement.

I went to Maine for a few days and saw some lady friends. It. was. GREAT. The ride wasn't too terrible 4 1/2 hours each way, but I really missed RB and I wished he was with me. We haven't been doing to well financially, we have a lot of bills to pay. I had recently realized we spent A LOT of money last year. Between the purchase of an apartment, total renovations, Hawaii, Alabama, numerous trips to New England and a trip to Vegas for RB, we won't be doing much this summer or year in the name of travel.

About a week ago a mutual friend of ours requested a double date with his new lady. I was looking forward to so adult time, plus apparently, the girlfriend "knew" me. Turns out she had heard my name before but she doesn't know me, that's for sure. I am sure I am nit picking, however, my first impressions of girls are rarely positive ones. She was very pretty, very thin, barely ate, drank a lot, was somewhat self centered and a "one upper"; you know what I mean, you say something and she's done it, only better. the "one upper". She was also, pompous, arrogant and had that weird whistle when she spoke. She'd ask questions and not wait for a complete answer, she was studying to be a teacher, which you'd think she might ask me something, I mean after all, I've only been teaching for 11 years, nope, nothing. All of these things I could live with, honestly, even the 9 year age different between her and our friend, but then she did it. She asked the question, one that I have tried to avoid even with close friends, one that is none of her business; and out of respect I tried my hardest to skate around it without insulting her. She was persistent. "So, you have been married for 5 years, are you going to have kids soon?", "well have you thought about it?", "is it something you guys want?", "I mean, don't you want kids?" "5 years is a long time."... yup, my mouth was full of blood from me biting my tongue and not really telling her that she's a self-centered asshole who I have known for an hour, and asking me such personal questions isn't appropriate being that we aren't remotely close to being "friends".

That was friday.

Other than all that, we've been busy with family stuff, and just keeping it moving. Trying to get through this long and tough year, counting down the days till another day off. Only 90 days till I'm on an extended vacation, but who's counting.

3rd post's a charm.

I had written 2 posts prior to writing this one, but decided that this particular post was going to be published. The first post was mostly about how unmotivated I was, so unmotivated that I changed into my running clothes, and ended up going food shopping in them. The next attempted post was about how I still hadn't lost any weight, and wasn't having any good workouts, and feeling like total garbage.

I have registered for 2 Triathlons so far, one on April and one in June. I'm looking at one for September, but I'm a little hesitant because of the distance from my home, and the distances within the race. One of my favorite people has also "talked" me into doing a a half marathon in October with her and her husband; I knew I wouldn't be ready for a half-marathon in May, but I think I can survive one in October. I even (easily) convinced a friend of mine from college to run it too, she just did her first half earlier this month, so she seemed down. I guess I just need a reason to work out, it can't be for losing weight, because that's a dead end street.

I started swimming and riding last weekend, and my ass still hurts from my bike seat. Today's swim was actually a good feeling one, I didn't do much, but I felt better during my swim than I did on my horrible afternoon run.

I haven't been in a very good mood for the last few days, it might even be a week. I have limited patience for people; not just people I dislike, but also people I love, (RB and my parents seem to be the only exceptions), I even snapped at someone at work yesterday; she kind of deserved it. I had a few bad, and weird dreams, which sets me off, I've had a few conversations with alpha males that have aggravated me; I'm aware that I shouldn't get annoyed, it shouldn't get under my skin, but it did. The kids at school have been ridiculously annoying, and I hate to say it, but I want to just simply smack them. The month itself for work has been pretty intense with an overload of after school meetings and paperwork, which doesn't help in keeping me in good spirits. It is what it is I suppose.

As for the rest of my time, I recently went to the doctor, and she told me I was in great shape, healthy, and looking good. That was good to hear, and know that all the working out is at least doing something productive. RB is doing good too! I'm super proud of him, he decided to get prepared foods to help him try to loose weight and kickstart a healthier lifestyle- he's lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks! I'm super proud of him, and I hope he continues to do well, I just wish I wasn't eating dinner by myself every night.

So, the long and the short of this post is simple updates, I suppose.
Some posts to look forward to: Jimmy Fallon, "Bad Words" and Easter/Passover April VACATION...

wahoo for spring!

16 days

I love winter, really I do. I don't mind the chilly weather, the snow, the coats, and sweaters. But for goodness sakes, I miss the dry warmth of the sun.

It never fails that I get on a regular schedule and it strikes. Fever, elevated heart rate, sore, scratchy throat, swollen face, sinus headache and pressure, and EXTREMELY itchy ears and tonsils. Yes, you guessed it; vacation next week, and a workout streak of 16 days quickly turned to a sad end all due to the aforementioned ailments.

Maybe Mom's right, and it's my body's way of getting me to slow down. But seriously body, you're "killin'' me here! I'm down 2.5 more pounds and this is the crap you're going to pull? as if the constant snow, slush, rain, freezing temperatures weren't enough, we have this now!?

I took yesterday off, mom's doctor's orders. I tried to fight it, but when she made me take my resting heart rate (84 bpm) and then after 2 minutes of jogging check it again (164 bpm), I knew I was down for the count. Due to weather today, I can't workout, can't get to the moocher gym and can go outside. I guess it's all for the better being that I still feel like garbage's mom.

Next week should be a interesting struggle. I'm super skittlefarts, excited to see some New England "family", but not sure how I'm going to get my workouts in the way I need them to be done. I'm sure I'll be fine as long as some movement happens, I just hate to feel like I've worked this hard to start all over.

running in the cold, on the snowy trail.

 my trail last week ... I was forced to run the streets.

Down to One Simple Thing.

I am not looking for sympathy, or a pat on the back, or empathy, or anything along those lines, I'm not even looking for a solution, because there is no solution. I just need this venue to complain, to vent, to scream silently.

Since my last "motivational" post I have gained 5 additional pounds. I have worked out every day and gained 5 pounds. I have cooked pretty much every meal, which in general, is well balanced, nutritious, and as healthy as I can get without eating like a damn bird. I eat because I get hungry, and I eat because when I don't eat, I get a headache; but now, I have gained a total of 12 pounds since September. I have two friends that are 13 weeks pregnant and haven't gained that much weight.

I say since September because when I returned from Hawaii, I naturally put on a couple of vacation pounds, then it became another pound. The few pounds that I had added weren't something I wasn't used to, I mean, lets face facts doesn't every one's weight fluctuated a good 2 pounds here and there? I wasn't worried, when I hit 6 pounds I became a little flustered, but again, they were quickly lost. Finally January hit, and it was a whopping 7 pounds I couldn't get rid of if you paid me. I chalked it up to the Holiday's, not really consistently working out, and pretty much eating whatever I wanted; i.e. grilled cheeses sandwiches for breakfast and lunch. 29 days into the new year, and conservatively, 20 of the 29 days (about 70% of the time) I have gone for a run, lifted, danced (Just Dance Wii Edition 2014), been insane (Insanity Program), Pilates, stretched, or Yoga'd my afternoons away. I have shopped for good healthy food and snacks and other than the nightly (single) Cookie with 1/2 glass of milk, I've pretty much been on my best eating behavior, I've also been cheese free!

I understand "get your thyroid checked", eat less, sleep more, take your vitamins, muscle weighs more than fat; I've been an athletic, active individual since I was 10, I know the deal. There is nothing wrong with my thyroid, I can say that with certainty, It gets checked every 6 months because of family history, it's always normal, I take vitamins everyday, I eat a shit-ton of green leafy vegetables, I barely have dairy, I don't eat a ton of red meat (due to stomach issues), bread is my only vise, and even then, I try to get high fiber, etc. As for fruits, I throw in a banana or an apple here and there, and magically another pound or two appear.

I'm tired kids, really, I am tired. I've been getting an average of 8.5 hours of sleep a night, so it's not a lack of sleep that is the culprit.

I'm down to one simple thing, I need to eat like a bird, or get another violent virus to kick start a weight loss. I can't seem to imagine right now what I could possibly eat less of, I'm actually getting a headache just thinking about it.

I mentioned to someone that I have gained 12 pounds earlier today and they responded with, "You look like you have lost more weight! Maybe there is a problem with your scale?" Maybe there is a problem with my scale, and my mom's scale, and all those trolls sneaking into my drawers at night to sew my clothes smaller. I couldn't care less if anyone notices that I have packed put on some pounds, I feel like garbage and feel completely uncomfortable. My biggest complaint in all of this is when this happens how am I supposed to stay motivated? how does anyone stay motivated?  How am I supposed to stay motivated in any way, shape, or form for anything?

uncharted territory

*i began writing this post almost a month ago, and never got around to finishing it.

this might be a little too much detail for some of you, or maybe it's just me. i'm not a private person, per say, but there are definitely things, events, thoughts, that i choose to keep to myself. one key big one is sex. i grew up in a very private/conservative type house on really only one front- sex. (money was the other, but i don't think that made much of a difference to me). i know about sex obviously, and i know, according to my mother what is ladylike and what isn't, as well as what is a feminist approach to ladylike behavior. sex wasn't open for discussion. even now if i attempt at talking about "baby-making" with my mother it is very, very "G" rated. 

when i was a kid i wanted to be an obstetrician. so i read a ton of medical books to learn about babies, and growth. i'm a teacher and i know a good amount about child development, and mom's a physical therapist specializing in child development, which means that during conversations, i've become involved in learning more about child physical development. for someone who hasn't had a child, i sure do know a lot about having one and how they should "normally" develop. 

now, you're wondering what does all this have to do with one another- the start of this is i wanted to properly introduce you into a topic that isn't usually something i am willing or was taught you discuss. next, well, i hate when mom's assume we non-moms don't have a clue about child care, child rearing, or child development, get over yourselves. women have been having children for millions of years, you haven't done anything that hasn't been done before, you don't need a medal for taking good care of your kids either. as much as all you mom's love to get on the non-mom population, or your kidless friends, you yourselves are no different than the non-moms. a lot of your kidless friends will say what they say out of frustration for not having their own children, however, we all make choices in life, and we have chosen the paths we are all on (for the most part). i'm appreciative to my two best friends who trust that although i am one of the childless people in the world, i'm not naive, uneducated, or not well versed in child care, child rearing, or child development. 

the choice to be childless is not always an easy one, especially when you are married to a man like RB who has always wanted children, or when your best friends are people like this who create amazing kids, and love you and keep you apart of their lives as well as they do, or when your other friends produce the most amazing children in the universe and all you can think about is having your own miniature version of yourself. oh man, did i say that out loud?!? it's the truth people, i don't care about the circle of life so much, i don't care about anything other than (really) the selfish act of creating a miniature version of myself in hopes that she could trump my amazingness and be so much more than me. i don't want a friend in my child, i want child who loves her mother as much as i love mine, and she hers. who thinks i'm the "cats meow" just as i do my own, who is her mothers shadow, just as she was her moms. it's selfish, all of it, and i don't care. 

the uncharted territory is this- i don't find myself "trying" to conceive, or working at it at all, but when my well documented, never a day late, perfect, very regular, almost a nazi, 28 day cycle runs to a sudden 31 day cycle (?!?!), i couldn't help but to envision that amazingly funny and smart mini-rapunzel. alas, stress most likely played a key role in the delay, but i honestly have to admit i was disappointed. i know this news makes some of my favorite people happy to hear, but it also scares the living bejeezus out of me. there are so many things that could go wrong in life, that having a mini-me could really make things messy.

 i suppose though, if it ever happens, it was totally supposed to happen. it has never happened before, not even a scare really, never in my life did i have to think once let alone twice about a plan b, or recollect the nights happenings, which brings another weird thought to my mind- my aunt couldn't have kids, and it was something genetic, and that could be me. which would totally be fine, honest, i'd be fine with it, i would just like to know now though, so that the territory uncharted won't be uncharted anymore, and from there, RB and I can take a step back and look at what we want out of life, either together, or not. only time will tell. 

life is a crazy ride, and it's funny, so laugh.

Where did August run to?

living room view from kitchen

So I am not sure how or when it happened, but summer is pretty much over. I'm sad about it on a variety of levels. Level 1: I love summer, I love the sun, and beach, and working out and the food. Level 2: I usually plan my time better to get the most out of the summer days and I didn't do that this summer. The stress of moving, coordinating contractors, and things for renovations, a new position this summer; which I must admit was hard work, but I loved it, taking two online courses that were supposed to be not as time consuming as they turned out to, and finally going on vacation which includes planning and packing of it's own, I barely saw the beach, or sleep, or anything, and it isn't as though I have much to show for it.

hallway to bedroom and bath

with that being said I bring you to my "nightmare". It's REALLY not that bad, I promise, and I am positive that I can think of eighty different ways that these renovations could be worse in 10 seconds, however, it is certainly one of the most inconvenient things EVER. In an ideal situation, the renovations should have been done prior to us living there, but, lets face it, that would be too easy. we do not do easy, we do interesting, incredibly annoying, ridiculously stupid, fall down, laugh out loud pathetic, and sometimes utterly outrageous, but never easy. (I suppose it's better that way, makes for a more interesting life). anyway, renovations began the day after we left for Hawaii- You must go to Hawaii, thats an order. It was a Wednesday and here are a few things we were told; your bathroom will take 5-7 days, so it will be done by the time you return, the gutting of the place will be done as well and you could stay if you need to. HA HA HA HA. Hilarious. I have to admit I thought these guys would be miracle workers if that happened, and you guessed it, none of them are the next messiah.

tiny bath

do you really want to know that scope of work I am referring too? total gutting of kitchen and bathroom, new electrical, new appliances, kitchen floor, bathroom EVERYTHING, fix walls, windows, base boards, all doors need to be replaced and closets reconstructed. You know, something small and easy. I'm sure I am missing something, but does it really matter? It's supposed to take 4-5 weeks. we are currently in the middle of week three.

I still have no toilet.

guestroom/office bedroom

ugh, i can't even

we are not living there. 

master "suite"

living room view #1 from bathroom

we cannot turn on the air conditioners because of saw dust and dirt.

living room view #2

kitchen view #1 from living room

all my furniture is there, and filthy.

kitchen view from window end

kitchen view from back end

I have nothing in the kitchen. I barely have lights that work. I do however, have a new ceiling. I will have a toilet this week, maybe, and an almost completed kitchen by friday. I know nothing looks that bad in the photos, but I tell you this place was the closest thing to a shit hole as I get. between the dirt, and the dead mickey's, the cigarette and weed smoke wafting in through a hole in a kitchen cabinet from our neighbor and the cockroach that you could throw a saddle on and ride, it was horrible. It will be great, and beautiful and all those other things. For now, it's a work in progress.

So nothing says welcome home from 2 amazing weeks on vacation in Paradise like, "oh you can't live here yet, guess you'll have to find some place to go in the meantime" like your home being a construction zone. for the last 2 weeks (this tuesday) we will have been living at my parents, out of suitcases, and in their guest bedroom. Wednesday marks week 4 of renovations, and I might have to loose my shit, should it go beyond week 5... only time will tell.

check back in December for finish product pics! ha ha. maybe if you behave i'll post "in progress pics" but those are all blurry.

don't harsh my mellow, man.

we have embarked on this new adventure and i completely blame RB. Mister- i want to own something has known dragged me into his work of nonsense. i'm aggravated and i am currently complaining because i can, knowing full well, that it isn't that big of a deal, and it will all be fine, etc. just so you all know, i'm not complaining or aggravated because i'm worried in any way, shape or form.

so, on September 26, 2012 we placed a bid on a run-down two bedroom apartment not far from where we live. it is currently almost April, and we still have no closing date in sight and not board approval date either. although both of these things are annoying, i still go with the flow and know that it will all be fine, if the sellers decide not to sell to us because this is taking too long, then so be it. i'm fine with having to look for another place to live in all honesty. but what i am currently frustrated with is the fact that i just tried to make an appointment to drop off this ridiculous package to the board of directors at the apartment and not only was the lady rude, and spoke to me as though meeting mid morning on a work day is common knowledge but also that i am an idiot for not knowing RB and I had to go. annoyance there in the fact that i get to waste a personal work day for this bullshit. mind you i could look at it as a great day to take off with my husband and spend the day, but i'm aggravated because i don't earn days the way he does, work "x" hours, get a day, nope the DOE are a bunch of dumb assholes, so everything is a project. RB should have called when he received the application to find out what the appointment thing was all about, but you know what they say about hind sight.

the worst of the worst of all this aggravation is i don't have any desire to live there anymore. i want nothing to do with this shit of a place, who have navigated the last few months of my life between telling us the bank from which we received our loan is an unacceptable bank, to springing it on us that we have to put 10% down before anything happened - which REALLY makes me irate because now we have had 10% of our down payment trapped within this fucking shit whole of an apartment. also, i can't have a dog here, and that is not what our useless realtor said when we were looking.

i've had enough. i'm broken, you have broken me. i have made an valiant attempt at keeping my mellow and not having anyone harsh it, but this just proves that i am right about so many things. i knew we shouldn't do this, but i followed RB's lead thinking, assuming, he knew best and it is apparent that he is clueless, and shouldn't have been leader on this particular mile-stone. with all this being said, i love my husband, everything WILL be fine, and work out. plus, if this is by far the worst and most aggravated i get this year, then it was a pretty good year.

fuck yeah i'm annoyed.

someone knows something and isn't telling me. i'm feeling fine. really i am. but someone isn't telling me something and it's beginning to piss the fuck out of me. seriously. i'm smiling, i'm laughing, i'm going places, i'm doing things, i'm staying out of my own fucking head. i'm not debbie downer, i'm having a good time. i'm walking along, i'm getting shit done, and i'm feeling good, but, here they are, multiple people, people that are close to me telling me, insisting in matter-of-fact tones, that something is up.

are you fucking serious? is this a fucking joke? i'm feeling fine. i'm feeling good. i'm going places. the sun is coming, i can smell the spring air, and your telling me that i ain't right? i'm confused. all those other months, when i was crying and telling you something wasn't right, i was screaming that i was drowning in my own thoughts, and you, you just let it be. now you got something to say? nope. i got nothing for you. i'm done talking, i'm done screaming, hollering, & crying. i'm not drowning anymore. i found my way to the surface, i swam-a-fucking shore.

you know that phrase, "damned if you do, damned if you don't"? that's how i'm feeling. you wanted me to talk, i talked, you weren't listening. i'm done now, i said what i had to say, you didn't want or couldn't hear me. i helped myself, and i'm better for it. can i go on, i'm fine. if you don't believe it, then that sounds like a personal problem, maybe you should talk about it with someone, leave me out of it.

fuck yeah i'm aggravated. i'm aggravated because no one seems to listen. HELLO!? are you fucking listening now? i recently saw a phrase that said something along the lines of, "my family tells me i have a big mouth, or that i am too loud, so i should be quiet. but when i am quiet, they ask me what's wrong?" i guess i just wish i could get a straight answer from someone when i actually need it or ask for it...

"you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need."

who's this girl?

there's this girl, i can't tell you much about her and she is one of those insignificant people that RB would say- why do you let her bother you. that is besides the point. she is a pompous little brat. her shoulder must hurt a lot from patting herself on the back all the time; what she's patting herself on the back for, i'm not quite sure of. she hasn't accomplished anything professionally, yet. she's young. she has a lot to learn.

i am in my ninth year of teaching. do you believe that shit? nine years. with that said i am continually learning. i ask my colleagues for help, advice and techniques that might help with not only teaching my students, but also keeping my classroom a learning environment and behaviorally manageable. with that all being said, this girl, isn't even a licensed professional yet, and she walks around judging what people are doing. it's perfectly fine that she judges, however, might i suggest you keep your judgments and your suggestions for improvements to yourself. honestly little one, you are still in school, you are supposed to be learning from us; not reporting back to your professor or to anyone else what we are doing or what we decide to discuss on our lunch breaks.

yeah, you read all that correctly. this little twit of a human being is obviously a student teacher that has decided that she is just so fucking awesome, that she is going to judge our lunch time conversations. she has something to say about everything and everyone, yet she knows no one and nothing about every one.  i'm not saying that a person cannot participate in a conversation, however, when you have nothing to add to the conversation that we are having about our day, and you choose to change the subject repeatedly, but we continuously revert back to the original conversation please realize we are not interested in you or what you are saying. our lunch is our time to bitch about our shit, not listen to your life nonsense. so, shut the fuck up.

and another thing. it's rude to sit on a desk in a school, a bookshelf, or go through another teachers items. your job is to learn all you can from the teacher not the other way around. fuck off little one. don't tell me how "great" i am, or "amusing" i am, or how "inappropriately lovely" i am, because the tone in which you are saying these things are not flattering, they are criticisms. go away little one. learn elsewhere, and annoy someone else.

someone asked me today, "rapunzel, i don't know how you've allowed her to still walk outta here alive?" my response was, "i'm not worried, she keeps going the way she's going, i won't have to fuck her up, she'll do it all herself."

lesson to be learned in this case: it's not always up to someone else to teach the lesson, sometimes you have to learn it for yourself. the young one will learn, she will learn it the hard way. i hope when she falls, and fucks up, i'm there to be "greatly, inappropriately, lovely, amusing".

when you're 30 &...

when you are 30, and married for a while, or hell, when you are 30, and dating, shit, it starts well before that. people just feel the need to intrude on your personal life. they ask ridiculous questions they shouldn't be. if it's family we excuse it as a culture usually because we assume it is coming from a caring, heartfelt place. some families though, its just coming from a sense of entitlement, nosey fuckers. (i smell by the way, running on the treadmill produces the foulest of smells from people including myself- yuk). i digress, so as a woman, it starts for a lot of us around the time we graduate college, maybe before that. for me, it wasn't ever like that.

my immediate family never questioned nor rushed me in anyway to grow up, move out, get married or procreate. the only request anyone ever had of me was to be happy and to "do the right thing". i guess i was in my mid-twenties when my extended family began the intrusion- "when are you getting married?, when are you moving out of your parents house?"- i wasn't used to the questions and i was still young so i'd politely answer, "i don't know". i thought the questioning would stop. i was wrong. i'd still answer as politely as i humanly could. if you know me at all, it takes a lot for me to be polite when i feel like it's truly none of your business. then finally i got engaged. i thought, "sweet, mystery of life at last, everyone will leave me alone!" wrong, again! it got worse. now, it wasn't just my extended family. it now became some of my in-laws, and co-workers, and some of my in-laws friends! who are you people?! and why the fuck should you have any say on what, when, where, how and who i do anything, anywhere, etc! oh goodness it was irritatingly frustrating. still, i continued to be as polite, and answer as best and as much as i could, especially when it came to my in-laws. this obviously continued, as it does for many people. i know for a FACT i am not alone.

i'm not going to get into the last 3 years of my life for you because that would be too much, if you know me personally, you already know- but i would first like to say: that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, second: everything i've been through, i'm happy to have gone through it, it all pretty much sucked at the time and i'll continue to 'go through' it, but without it i wouldn't be me, everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense now, it will work out and make sense one day, third: don't judge others because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, fourth: mind your own house, stay the hell out of mine- meaning- mind your own business...

so here i am, married almost 3 years, and 30, living in an apartment, cozy. like a cannon, the questions are a firing... (i don't find it necessary to list the questions, i'm sure you can all imagine them, if you haven't already heard them all yourself)... i've decided that at 30, i'm OFFICIALLY an adult. I've held a salaried position for 9 years, i have multiple degrees, i take care of a home, i have a family, even if it's just we two, i no longer need to be that polite little girl who answers everyones questions that i used to be regardless of who you are. i began thinking of a variety of ways to get around not answering. first in a polite way, then finally when they wouldn't get it, in an all out nasty way. i'm a nasty person, if you didn't know, so i've been told. i tried, tried, and tried again. "i'm barren", "we're not ready", "now's not the time", "not interested", "you keep having them, so i don't have to", "trying to loose weight, don't feel like gaining weight...", "i'm enjoying all my friends kids", "no, i'm good, really, i'm all set, my students are a natural form of birth control". then, it happened. i figured it out. fuck it. i don't need to be nasty. i can be honest. i can say to people, it was none of their business, mind their own house.

i don't need to dance around the reality of any of it. who are you to tell me when i should buy a house? get a new job? have a fucking kid? loose weight? gain weight? love my husband more? stay out of the sun? go into the sun? get some more sleep? get less sleep? who are you to ask me if i am pregnant? if i am pregnant again? still pregnant? when will i get pregnant again? mind your house, stay the fuck out of mine. when i want you to know something, believe me bitches, you'll know. if i want you to know something, i'll tell you. when i am ready, i'll let you in, until then, stay out. don't ask.

below you will find some of my favorite responses i've been giving people to the ever pressing baby question. enjoy and laugh along with me. remember, mind your own house.

person 1, holding a 2 month old: "so when will you have one of these?"

me, knowing this person hasn't gone out in a while:, "oh, yeah, i'm really enjoying this glass of wine here, can't enjoy this pregnant. when was the last time you had a night with just you and your husband and a bottle of wine, or hell a night alone?"

person 2:, "so, when will you get started on having a baby?"

me, big smile: "hey now; what kinda foreplay do you prefer?"

person 3:, <ahem> "been married a long time. don't you think it's about that time?"

me:,   "about what time? to break forth the rhythm and the rhyme?"

person 4:, "when will you have a baby?"

me:, "not sure. if i were a seer, i certainly wouldn't waste my talents on figuring that crap out, i'd try to win the lotto instead."

person 5:, "why don't you have a baby?"

me:, "probably better that i don't, i really enjoy drinking a variety of alcoholic beverages, heard thats not cool for a fetus and such."

now, maybe all these responses aren't the best way to be truthful, and honest but everyone leaves me the hell alone after i give these answers. they work like a charm at shutting people up. they make people uncomfortable, then i'm left alone, smiling. 

complaint department.

first things first: hide your children this post may contain some graphic language- I know that it has been said that people who use foul, inappropriate, curse words are just unintelligent people who do not have a wide range in their vernacular, limited vocabulary or a sharp wit to have a quick come back; that statement is a complete an utter falsehood so... fuck them and lets move on.

complaint department
in my experience and opinion (most) anyone who uses the phrase, "now, I'm not one to complain, but...", is in-fact, full of shit. if by prefacing a complaint that you do not complain, you have just given yourself away as a complainer. with that being said everyone is a complainer, and there isn't anything wrong with it. the sweetest, nicest, bestest, (yes asshole, i know that is not a real word), people in the word complain. its natural. it's the perpetual complainers that give complaining a bad wrap, or is it rap? whatever. all I am saying is don't pat yourself on the back too quickly there pal, complain away, rant, throw a hissy-fit, just come back to reality and admit what it was, be done with it and move on.

my own ACTUAL complaints:  
the list for me here is long, but today due to hunger, fatigue, timing and the ability to think straight, I'll do my best to keep it short and get down to the nitty-gritty. I have lived in 2 places; Massachusetts for college- great place to go to college, miss a lot of things about the state, and my besties *Jan and *June (*their names were changed for their own safety) live there and I miss them terribly and of course my home state New York. here lies the complaint. if you are a transplant to any city or state and you don't like it there, get the fuck out! MOVE! GO! no one is making you stay. stop whining about it. if you wish you were elsewhere, your home town/city/state, Europe, Timbuktu, go, leave, flee, be happy elsewhere, just stop bashing that poor city/state you have transplanted yourself to. It is rude to the people who actual like living there. Next, I walk around NYC and I listen to you asshole transplants (and not all transplants are assholes *JD, *MM, *NZ, just to name a few), oh I know who you people are, you all talk like you are from here but you're not. don't introduce yourself to me, and say you are from here and when I ask where you went to HS you say some school in Maryland or wherever the hell you're from, THAT means YOU ARE NOT FROM NYC, DICK. Lastly pertaining to transplants and geography, New York is a State, New York CIty is a City that is made up of 5 Boroughs, the 5 Boroughs consist of Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, & Staten Island NOT just Manhattan shit for brains, so don't look at me you damn transplant, when I say that I am from the city, then say Queens and your cognitively impaired response is, "that's not Manhattan", Queens is the city, dumb ass.

on an unrelated note; Whining. I have noticed a lot of whining recently, and i'm not just referring to the rant I just had above, I mean in general. people are so unhappy and baby like. they whine about everything. there are so many awful things in this world, so many awful things that I have seen and experienced in my short life thus far and I am sure there will only be more.... perhaps at a later date i can explore the whining crisis.

please leave your complaints in the box below.