The day Jimmy Fallon Broke my heart.

For years I have watched, laughed at/with, and fell in love with Jimmy Fallon. The ridiculous laughter on SNL was enough for me to love him, but then he became JT's best friend, and kindest man on TV. He has done some amazing things on his show, and has donated time and money to others. It only made me love him more.

Knowing all this, Dad pulled a few strings and got RB and I VIP tickets to the Tonight Show just last month. You could say that I was excited about it, but I really was over the moon. I'm not sure what exactly my heart thought would happen, but alas, I had some expectations of the afternoon. 

RB and I took the day off to be sure we arrived on time, and ready to go. I couldn't wait! We followed directions, I called my dad's friend who got us the tickets, (as I was told to do) in hopes that I would get a tour. (Alas, like most people who work in this business, he didn't have "time" to get back to me, to show me around; just so you are aware, a lot of people I have encountered in the Motion Picture business, through my own time working with them, and dad working with them for 25+ years, they are relatively nice people, who are also "too busy", in general, the people I meet, who aren't construction crew people are, how should I say this, stuck up. Their time is worth more than yours, and they are more important than you.) 

I sat in my not very VIP seat, and awaited the arrival of the Roots Crew,  and Jimmy. The Roots arrived, and then Jimmy arrived to start the show. Not one second of what you see on Television is any different from being in the audience, Jimmy doesn't talk to the crowd during commercial breaks, the Roots don't play for the audience during commercial breaks; as a matter of fact, you are pretty much ignored by everyone (except for the NBC pages who are watching you to make sure you don't take any photographs). Nary a soul gives a crap about you. They actually say to you, "This is free, remember you didn't pay for this, so let's just act right." 

All of the above stung a bit, it hurt my feelings that Jimmy and the Roots didn't give the small audience the time of day any more than what we see on TV.  What really was the nail in the coffin was when Jimmy runs through the crowd at the end of the show and RB moved me to the aisle so that I can get a high five from Jimmy. This was it, all I needed to wash all the other disappointment away. Jimmy came around and a lady gave him a gift bag, he was trying to get the camera to zoom in on it, which was right next to me, so I began pointing at the bag as though to advertise it's greatness, and Jimmy Fallon gave me the DIRTIEST look, like what I was doing! I didn't touch him, the bag, or yell in his face. There really was no reason for the look. He even passed me by when it came my turn for a high five. 

My heart immediately broke, and I was hurt. I understand that this was ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous, but if you know anything about me, this all makes sense, and you'd be proud that I didn't cry an scream for Jimmy to love me as I loved him. 

I haven't been able to watch the Tonight Show since then, because it stung a bit, and the whole thing seemed fake. I know what it was like in that audience, and how not-so-special you are compared to the viewers at home. He also repeats himself, and that makes it less special. All in all, I'm glad I went, I just hope my broken heart will heal. 

say a little prayer...

I'm not really all that religious. I wasn't raised in a religious household. We didn't attend church, although, I have been baptized, and confirmed, we aren't very "organized religion" religious. I was raised with "faith". Faith that things will work out the way it should, faith in yourself, in your abilities and that you are innately a good person. Growing up I was taught about religious freedom and that it was okay to adopt theories, faiths, feelings from many religious sects. I have faith in a variety of theories. (It helped my religious beliefs tremendously that I was a religion major in college).

I've done some super questionable stuff in my life, questionable to the point where I am ashamed and embarrassed and have to live with the sick feeling in the bellows of my belly. With all that though, I have faith, faith that there's a lesson to have been learned (I only wish I learned the lesson sooner, or the first time I fuck shit up). I only hope the people I hurt forgive me, and learn from my mistakes. I have faith that they will, over time of course.

Some lessons I have learned through my "faith" is to trust my first instinct, rather than giving people the benefit of the doubt in hopes that they won't turn into what my belly is instinctively telling me. I've learned that you can't always get what you want, but sometime, you"ll find you get exactly what you need without ever even knowing it (thank you Mick Jagger for that ever reverberating lesson), just have that faith. I've learned that I'm fortunate. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Lemony Snicket: "It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season- like all other seasons- is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them."

I've been focusing on my faith and my own miracles, and as much as I complain, and say ridiculous things about RB, and as unhappy I have every been with him, I'd be terribly unhappy, miserable, and completely dysfunctional without him, it's a miracle that he still loves me. It's a miracle that I have parents that love, treasure and take care of me more than they ever should despite my nasty attitude, or questionable behavior. It's a miracle that my family deals with me, feeds me, loves me, and helps to take care of me. It's a miracle I have a job where I have trusted colleagues. My very existence is a miracle.

With all that being said, pray for me, and for those I love and know, and in return will pray for all of you, that you too, can find faith, and miracles in your everyday lives.

Cheers to Health, Wealth, Faith, Miracles and Happiness in This New Year and Every Year Thereafter! 

first for june...

here it is fucking june, and i'm sure all of you loyal readers have been missing me! ha. i can only imagine. well, let me tell you something, there is almost nothing to fucking report and i mean nothing. we have gone nowhere. we have looked at a few new house online, but have yet to actually set up appointments to visit them in person and that's mostly because it's summer time and i just want to do nothing in the summer but lay on the beach and work out. i have to say that RB's and i communication skills have improved 10-fold. (thank god) and we finally feel like we are getting somewhere with one another as a married couple. which is always good news.

i tell my unmarried friends all the time, don't be in such a fucking rush to get married. sure, there are some great perks to being married, but sometimes being married really sucks, and it's like having a whole-other job. it's not easy, it's not always fun and it's certainly not always the best time of your life. of course the same can hold true for being single, i suppose.

another friend and i often talk about how our married friends told us these tremendous lies when we were getting married years ago. we refer to them as the "rainbow and unicorn" lies. sure, my wedding was great, and fun, but the first 2 years of my marriage was really, really rough. some of my dearest friends might say that i had an abnormally rough 2 years, but nevertheless, i didn't help in making it better, and neither did some other people by feeling bad for me. all i'm saying is that being married isn't "rainbows and unicorns". don't rush something that isn't real, isn't there and/or isn't going to work out because you think it should. luckily enough, after 3+ years, RB and I figured our shit out, and this just might work... gotta tell you, in my heart of hearts, i always knew it would. he is my best friend after all and i always had faith.

"i vow to love you and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other."

the yogi that was not.

thank you dad for buying me the month of unlimited yoga classes, especially since i had mentioned that i felt that needed to get back into taking yoga/meditation to relax, decompress and unwind. i'm uptight, i don't want the stresses of the world to weigh me down. i want to use the philosophy of yoga to help me concentrate, recenter myself, realign my thoughts and just re-lax. so, my wonderful father who attends yoga classes bought a months unlimited yoga pass to the studio that he attends. he raves about it. he enjoys it. which makes me happy.

he called last night and asked if i would go with him to a 10am class this morning. i agreed. i love spending time with my dad. i had already taken yoga classes, i had also studied yoga as a part of religion classes, i understood/understand its purposes. i am not looking for an aerobic yoga session. i had explained this to my dad prior to his invitation to the class, but i had to try a different studio and class at some point. so dad arrived promptly at 9 this sunday morning for our 10 am HOT yoga class.

the heat didn't bother me, however, if i am that hot again, i should be on the beach somewhere facing an ocean, not staring at some sweaty persons ass. the instructor, very polite woman, kept raising the volume of the music in the class as if it were an aerobic class, therefore distracting me from my breathing, form, and centering of myself, that bothered me, slightly. she also, didn't seem to correct anyones' form, modify anyones' positions, or make suggestions as to how one would go about modifying anyones' positions.

luckily (for me), i am familiar with poses and moves, so, even all of this didn't bother me that much. what did bother me was, there was no time given in between each move to concentrate and be sure i (or any other beginner), was stable, ready to continue with the move/pose. i'm trying to work on the breathing and pose and shes already 2 poses down the line. that's not her fault, its how she runs her class. at one point i looked around the room and at least 5 out of 14 people had poor posture, weren't breathing in the fashion in which i was taught and the way i knew that yoga promotes you to be breathing, and the form was all over the place.

i began to get nauseous, i started to remind myself to go at my own pace and focus on my own breath. something my friend Michelle, a hard working, full time practicing yogi would say. every time i would refocus and go at my own pace i was 3 poses behind everyone else. i became more nauseous. i started to get a migraine. i stopped, drank water, rested. it wasn't the positions that were difficult, those weren't the problem, the heat, again, became fine after a while, i just felt so sick, i thought i was going to throw up.

i thought i was going to have to run out of the room. but the instructor told us at the beginning of the class not to ever leave the room, because they gradually heat the room up and gradually cool down the room, otherwise you can get really sick. so here i am, sick as a dog, migraine, ready to vomit, thinking, which is worse, throwing up in here, or running out into the cooled hallway perhaps fainting and being 'that' girl! i sat down again, focused on breathing, thought of Michelle and told myself to calm down. it's hard to calm down when you are so sick, and you can't breath because it's 100 fucking degrees and you 're going to vomit and you have a migraine where you feel like your eye balls might just explode out of your head. i waited, until finally the class was over.

i ran out, washed my face, drank more water, which wasn't a good idea, and couldn't wait to get home. i've been in bed ever since. well, first i showered because i was covered in sweat and grossness, then i took a migraine pill, had some coffee, food and more water.

needless to say, i will not attend hot yoga again, and not because it was hot, but because i am not interested in getting my heart rate up while doing yoga, i'm interested in getting my mind, body and spirit a little more centered and refocused. my poor dad though, he keep telling me "major failure huh?". which it wasn't. you don't know unless you try, right, but with that said, i had done a considerable amount of reading on hot yoga and had determined that it wasn't what i was looking for. i did get to spend a sunday morning with my dad, so with the bad came some good, which is always nice; balances out the universe.

a yogi i was not today. and for the record i didn't actually throw up in the yoga studio. although, if i did it would have been a tough choice between puking on my dad or on one of the super lame hipsters in the class with the "OM" tattoo's; i'm pretty sure i was going for a hipster with a "OM" symbol tattoo.

cheers to the holiday spirit!

i really enjoy sending and receiving mail. i send cards to my friends on a regular basis and notes to my grandparents. i don't mind writing out holiday cards. i especially enjoy sending my holiday cards to my friends who i know get a kick out of my funny, yet rude holiday cards. i take pleasure in taking the time to address each card, sign the card and even write a little note inside the card to let the people, which i am sending the cards to know that i took the time out to appreciate them. however, it has come to my attention in the recent of years that people, family included are fucking lazy and impersonal. i get it. limited time, limited funds, the joy and ease of computers, but c'mon people it's gone beyond the point of anything and everything i can take. (this isn't just for holiday cards, this goes for thank you cards as well).

it's great getting those nice little picture cards with peoples kids/families on them, but would it kill you to sign it? or at least write my name on it? i'm not saying that it isn't difficult to get that cute kid or dog or family of yours to sit still for a beautiful picture, or its super easy to work any of the numerous websites to create the photo card, i make calendars off those sites, but it becomes a little impersonal year after year after year. especially from people who don't have kids at all. (dogs count as "kids" in my book,  and i don't want to look at a picture of a couple). i got a card from a family member recently that the return address label was printed from a computer, my address was printed from a computer, the card was pre-printed as was the signature. the inside message was also pre-printed and there was no date and it wasn't addressed inside the card. now, i'm sure none of this seems that big of a deal to you all, but when you get card after card that is pre-printed, with nothing written on it you might as well be a stranger for cryin' out loud. 

this isn't a regular complaint, i'm just disappointed. i'm not saying you all should spend all that extra time, or am i patting myself on the back like that fucking student-teacher twit, but it's a holiday card. it would have been nice, at the very least, to read my name, or yours written inside the card you sent. (no one here is saying you need to write a note to everyone- but family deserves a note/ family-like friends deserves a note; all opinion). i guess on the other hand, i should just be happy you sent me a card at all. BUT when all this happens year after year, it makes me want to put you on that insignificant people list. 

i could always send a picture myself next year, which at this point, i'm totally thinking about doing, maybe i'll take a picture of my ass- it's a pretty sweet ass, it's gotta fucking elephant on it- pre-print a signature, pre-print a date, pre-print everything taking out everything that makes up the personality, the sweetness and all the specialness that i love about holiday cards, and mail those fuckers out; because currently, i don't feel like anyone actually appreciates their cards anymore. i feel like they do it because it's a custom. habit. like buying a shit load of unnecessary presents. 

please, don't take this the wrong way, i love my friends and my family, and i enjoy those picture cards, like i said earlier, would it be terribly difficult to sign it, or say 'hi'? but those extraneous people that get a card from me, won't be getting one next year, and i guarantee that they won't even notice. so maybe they are doing me a favor. in the same breath, i can't avoid sending family cards, but i can avoid being so giving and thoughtful in how i write my card. i guess that seems like it defeats the purpose but i'm tired of stressing, and getting myself worked up, doing so much for everyone else, and not getting back what i've been giving. 

i hate this about me; i'm uptight, i'm anxious, i'm wound to tight. i let too much bother me. by not doing so much, maybe i can unwind, be less anxious and not let the fact that maybe because people have decided to take, in my opinion, an easier/quicker route during the holiday season, piss me off, i can enjoy the little things. like writing my notes in my christmas cards, or write longer ones to the people that will still actually get one next holiday season. 

so for those who sent me a card this season (RB's old boss), who just signed her name and did nothing else, (i mean it, she signed her name), don't look for a card from me. if it's that important to RB, he'll send you one, it won't be coming from me, unless it's a picture of my elephant! 

who's this girl?

there's this girl, i can't tell you much about her and she is one of those insignificant people that RB would say- why do you let her bother you. that is besides the point. she is a pompous little brat. her shoulder must hurt a lot from patting herself on the back all the time; what she's patting herself on the back for, i'm not quite sure of. she hasn't accomplished anything professionally, yet. she's young. she has a lot to learn.

i am in my ninth year of teaching. do you believe that shit? nine years. with that said i am continually learning. i ask my colleagues for help, advice and techniques that might help with not only teaching my students, but also keeping my classroom a learning environment and behaviorally manageable. with that all being said, this girl, isn't even a licensed professional yet, and she walks around judging what people are doing. it's perfectly fine that she judges, however, might i suggest you keep your judgments and your suggestions for improvements to yourself. honestly little one, you are still in school, you are supposed to be learning from us; not reporting back to your professor or to anyone else what we are doing or what we decide to discuss on our lunch breaks.

yeah, you read all that correctly. this little twit of a human being is obviously a student teacher that has decided that she is just so fucking awesome, that she is going to judge our lunch time conversations. she has something to say about everything and everyone, yet she knows no one and nothing about every one.  i'm not saying that a person cannot participate in a conversation, however, when you have nothing to add to the conversation that we are having about our day, and you choose to change the subject repeatedly, but we continuously revert back to the original conversation please realize we are not interested in you or what you are saying. our lunch is our time to bitch about our shit, not listen to your life nonsense. so, shut the fuck up.

and another thing. it's rude to sit on a desk in a school, a bookshelf, or go through another teachers items. your job is to learn all you can from the teacher not the other way around. fuck off little one. don't tell me how "great" i am, or "amusing" i am, or how "inappropriately lovely" i am, because the tone in which you are saying these things are not flattering, they are criticisms. go away little one. learn elsewhere, and annoy someone else.

someone asked me today, "rapunzel, i don't know how you've allowed her to still walk outta here alive?" my response was, "i'm not worried, she keeps going the way she's going, i won't have to fuck her up, she'll do it all herself."

lesson to be learned in this case: it's not always up to someone else to teach the lesson, sometimes you have to learn it for yourself. the young one will learn, she will learn it the hard way. i hope when she falls, and fucks up, i'm there to be "greatly, inappropriately, lovely, amusing".