Thursday, April 18, 2013

it's nice to feel happy.

when i met my husband, i was 18, (which i am sure i have mentioned before) and he was a funny guy that my friends were friends with. he made me laugh, mostly because our friends weren't the sharpest tools in the shed, so when he came along and was sarcastic, clever, and witty, i feel "in love" with him. we quickly became friends and i entrusted him with all of my deep dark nasty secrets.

when i think about all the bullshit we have waded through during our 14 years of knowing each other, i realize that when i met him, i most likely did in fact fall in love with him. prior to our engagement, i was the first person to mock RB incessantly, and call him an asshole or dick head, and point out when he's being a jerk or unforgiving, and he's was the first person i share (most) every little thought with. he managed to fall in love with me knowing all the horrible things about me, and stupid choices i (have and continue to make) made.

when we got engaged it was as though this beast of a female took over my thought processes. i no longer knew how to act around him or how to talk to him. i had to learn how to be a "wife" and began to become terribly unhappy. i brushed the unhappiness aside as if it were nothing, which in turn lead to greater unhappiness, and the questioning who i had decided to marry. what a terrible thing to have happen during a time that you should be blissfully happy. it didn't help that RB's grandfather and dad died within months of our getting married, and within our first 18 months of marriage RB was hospitalized for near death diseases that i was thrusted into a life that i never imagined living.

as the disgust and unhappiness worsened, and i became some woman who had horrible thoughts, resenting the sheer existence of her marriage and ideas about marriage, who she was, what her role was a a human being, and fearful of always hurting her husbands feelings by being honest. which is ridiculously stupid being that our entire relationship was built on being honest and truthful and perhaps to an outsider could be considered hurtful.

then one day i woke up, next to this great, big, fat headed man, and was so terribly, disgustingly happy to see that head that i realized all that questioning was simply linked to the fact that i was unhappy with me, and my choices of not always being honest or expressing myself in fear of hurting his feelings. fuck his feelings, because in actuality it makes us better, and us "us" when i just tell him, he's an asshole.

in retrospect i definitely feel for people who haven't go through what we have and hope they never do. they may not end up being as successful as us. our relationship has always looked kinda funny to people and hasn't always made sense to us, but for the first time in our 4 years of marriage, 9 years of being an us, and 14 years of driving each other crazy, we are finally us again, and the dick head is stuck with a dirty hippie of a wife for as long as we both shall live... sucker. our poor (nonexistent) kid....

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

sweet MARY, thank goodness it's spring!

happy april! can't believe it's already April! i'm looking forward to some sun and some temperatures ranging from 55-65 degrees! i'm SO over winter. being outside has been lovely, not wearing a coat- also lovely.

April is a busy month- a little girls 3rd birthday, a besties 32nd birthday, a little boys 1st birthday, a little girl and a little boy expected to make there outside-the-womb debut. thrilling.

only issue is time, hopefully, it'll be on my side. i'm already tired, but looking forward to it. happy april.