uncharted territory

*i began writing this post almost a month ago, and never got around to finishing it.

this might be a little too much detail for some of you, or maybe it's just me. i'm not a private person, per say, but there are definitely things, events, thoughts, that i choose to keep to myself. one key big one is sex. i grew up in a very private/conservative type house on really only one front- sex. (money was the other, but i don't think that made much of a difference to me). i know about sex obviously, and i know, according to my mother what is ladylike and what isn't, as well as what is a feminist approach to ladylike behavior. sex wasn't open for discussion. even now if i attempt at talking about "baby-making" with my mother it is very, very "G" rated. 

when i was a kid i wanted to be an obstetrician. so i read a ton of medical books to learn about babies, and growth. i'm a teacher and i know a good amount about child development, and mom's a physical therapist specializing in child development, which means that during conversations, i've become involved in learning more about child physical development. for someone who hasn't had a child, i sure do know a lot about having one and how they should "normally" develop. 

now, you're wondering what does all this have to do with one another- the start of this is i wanted to properly introduce you into a topic that isn't usually something i am willing or was taught you discuss. next, well, i hate when mom's assume we non-moms don't have a clue about child care, child rearing, or child development, get over yourselves. women have been having children for millions of years, you haven't done anything that hasn't been done before, you don't need a medal for taking good care of your kids either. as much as all you mom's love to get on the non-mom population, or your kidless friends, you yourselves are no different than the non-moms. a lot of your kidless friends will say what they say out of frustration for not having their own children, however, we all make choices in life, and we have chosen the paths we are all on (for the most part). i'm appreciative to my two best friends who trust that although i am one of the childless people in the world, i'm not naive, uneducated, or not well versed in child care, child rearing, or child development. 

the choice to be childless is not always an easy one, especially when you are married to a man like RB who has always wanted children, or when your best friends are people like this who create amazing kids, and love you and keep you apart of their lives as well as they do, or when your other friends produce the most amazing children in the universe and all you can think about is having your own miniature version of yourself. oh man, did i say that out loud?!? it's the truth people, i don't care about the circle of life so much, i don't care about anything other than (really) the selfish act of creating a miniature version of myself in hopes that she could trump my amazingness and be so much more than me. i don't want a friend in my child, i want child who loves her mother as much as i love mine, and she hers. who thinks i'm the "cats meow" just as i do my own, who is her mothers shadow, just as she was her moms. it's selfish, all of it, and i don't care. 

the uncharted territory is this- i don't find myself "trying" to conceive, or working at it at all, but when my well documented, never a day late, perfect, very regular, almost a nazi, 28 day cycle runs to a sudden 31 day cycle (?!?!), i couldn't help but to envision that amazingly funny and smart mini-rapunzel. alas, stress most likely played a key role in the delay, but i honestly have to admit i was disappointed. i know this news makes some of my favorite people happy to hear, but it also scares the living bejeezus out of me. there are so many things that could go wrong in life, that having a mini-me could really make things messy.

 i suppose though, if it ever happens, it was totally supposed to happen. it has never happened before, not even a scare really, never in my life did i have to think once let alone twice about a plan b, or recollect the nights happenings, which brings another weird thought to my mind- my aunt couldn't have kids, and it was something genetic, and that could be me. which would totally be fine, honest, i'd be fine with it, i would just like to know now though, so that the territory uncharted won't be uncharted anymore, and from there, RB and I can take a step back and look at what we want out of life, either together, or not. only time will tell. 

life is a crazy ride, and it's funny, so laugh.

Ironman Chronicles

this july marked my dad's 5th IRONMAN triathlon. 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run. yup, you read that right. i have gone to spectate 3 out of the 5. every one that i have bared witness too never ceases to amaze and move me. i cannot describe the overwhelming amount of emotions i feel when i get to spectate such an event. dad doesn't like to brag, but i do. it's a rather incredible thing that he not only does them, but has done as many as he has and he still continues to train for them. the man broke his neck twice, so the sheer fact that he is alive and well is pretty amazing in it of itself; so for crying out loud, let me brag a little.

 

 it's an amazing thing watching people perform the tasks of this race. when it's over i'm moved to tears. from the start of the day at 5:15am to the end of the day around 11:15-midnight, it's a long day even as a spectator. especially when one spectates the way my mom and i do. we have it down to a science, and a work out. we figured out at the 2005 race, we walk/run/jog on average 8-15 miles; nothing of course, compared to the 170 miles that the athletes themselves do, but it's a lot which knapsacks, waiting around and cheering everyone on.

i know i have said this before, but every time one is over, i get the "ironman blues" and i don't even do the race. the "ironman blues" is usually reserved for the athletes. they get it because they aren't training as much anymore, and they are waiting for their body's to recuperate. i get it because it's so intense and thrilling, and emotionally driven. i also feel the overwhelming urge to train for one. dad keeps telling me that all i need is 12-18 months. i think i need 12-18 years, which is pretty much what's been happening. i've been training since 2003; i'm almost ready to actually commit.

training is time consuming, and i'm not always sure that i am willing to put the time in. remember i lack an addictive personality. can i really train for it? i've always told myself i want and would do one by the time i was 35, i've got 2 and 1/2 years to go, but i'm thinking maybe 2015 could be my year. we'll see how winter training goes, and if i can actually get up to running 3 miles (plus) straight. 12-18 months is all i need to be among an elite group of athletes and make my dad as proud of me as i am of him. (plus, bragging rights).

Mirror Lake, Lake Placid New York, the site of the swim leg of the IRONMAN

i'm longing for my bed

I'm growing tired. real tired. I haven't slept in my own bed since August 12. isn't that sad? especially for me, a person who loves sleeping and my bed.

i would try to go and visit friends normally, run away, you know the usual, i just can't leave RB alone in my parent's house. not that they would mind, or that he wouldn't survive, but you know, i certainly wouldn't want to be left alone in my in-laws... i mean anyone else's parents house by myself.

i'm trying to sell some clothing, make a little extra cash, along with working on a team at school that i have zero desire to be apart of, but we could use the extra money. government shut down = one income household for the time being, not so much fun when the one income is a teachers salary. not that i don't make good money, i do, it's just that i have expensive taste and if you haven't noticed, we are completing major renovations in our apartment.

i'm not freaking out. sure, i have moments where i want to scream and yell and kick and cry and give up on everything, BUT i know that come next month i'll be back home in our beautifully redone apartment, and planning our next vacation. i'm not worried. i'm just tired.

in the mean time, pray for my sanity and know that i am fully aware that things can always be worse and that i lead a pretty fortunate and blessed life (even without my bed).