What Scares me Least.

i think i have a sickness. maybe just an obsession. maybe just an issue. i'm not afraid to die. i'm not afraid of dying. i'm not afraid of death. it doesn't bother me. it doesn't bother me to know that i will die one day. would it bother me to know if i were to die tomorrow... the answer is yes, but only because i haven't seen all the places i want to see in this world but mostly because i think it would make my family sad, but overall, i think i'd be fine with it. obviously, i wouldn't have a choice in the matter. it's not that i dare the fates to take my life at any given time, or that i try to take my own, or that i don't value my own life, it's just a shell, its just a body, there will be others. that's my belief obviously.

i think the obsession stems from a few things. first, my family, the most apparent problem, they constantly discuss death, funerals, burial rituals, etc. my parents lost their parents at fairly young ages and as a coping mechanism for themselves they taught me that death is natural, okay, fact of life, etc. in doing so they've made it almost beautiful in a warped way. my dad has created a wake play list for his ipod, and it doesn't freak me out. every holiday there's a discussion on who's being buried vs cremated vs put in a wall. then of course there is my aunt. the polar opposite. she is practically in tears every time this topic comes up. she's crippled by the idea of death. i think that she is so afraid of being left alone, or growing old, the kind of old where you can't take care of yourself, and sick and gross, and no on is around anymore, that she just bunches it all together with the idea of death. the decay of the body is what bothers her and not the dying part.

secondly, it still has to do with family but it's different in a way. when my grandma were alive and she would tell us stories of all those who were dead, i always felt a connection and their presence. i felt like they were always with me, and not just because grandma said they were always with me, watching me, guiding and helping me. i would have dreams of family members i met once, or not at all. it was weird, but comforting. when grandma died 19 years ago, i dreamed of her, i still do, she visits me often. i can hear her voice, and even smell her, she was the world to everyone in my family. when i met my husband, and heard of his grandmother, (she too was the world to his family), the same thing would happen, she would visit me in dreams, she wouldn't say anything, because i have never heard her voice, but she would visit and smile, and let me know that everything would always be alright. after my husband and i had gotten married in 2009, his grandfather died a month later, then in june a close family friends grandmother passed, and in july, my father-in-law suddenly passed. it was the first time that i can remember being sad after someone died in a long time, and then... then my father-in-law visited me in a dream, just like the rest and i knew, i knew, it was going to be ok. it wasn't ok that all these people had died over the years, people i had loved and missed and would always miss, but their bodies were just shells. sure i couldn't hug the shells anymore, or kiss them, but shit, i could still talk to them and allow everything inside of me listen to what they had to say. i wish my husband could see his dad everyday, he misses his best friend and if i could take all my wishes and make one, i would make that one for him.

i have this reoccurring dream that i am at my own funeral and i am sitting on top of my open casket; this is upsetting because let it be known, i want to be cremated and scattered in the ocean, anyway, so here i am at my own funeral and no one is there. other than the obvious attendees, family, but they are in the back of the room, and no one seems to be upset by the fact that i am gone. i suppose i should be fine by this seeing that my body is only a shell. but the lack of people even coming to say "peace out" is somewhat disappointing. then again, i'm not at all surprised, i always did assume that everyone was full of shit and didn't like me anyway so in my dream people not showing at my funeral is just their way of flipping me the bird and saying good riddance, hope hell enjoys your company. BUT, then this newest addition to the reoccurring dreams entered, i am now at my husband's funeral and everyone, and i mean everyone he's ever met, and i've ever met is there! jeez, louise! its ridiculous. seriously, he isn't that great.

i don't go to funerals and wakes because i don't grieve "appropriately", i laugh, make jokes, and would rather be cheering people up, than sitting and crying over something that cannot be helped. i'd rather be telling a funny anecdotal about the person who passed away, rather than weeping over their last days on this earth. i'm not uncomfortable with death, i just don't want to make other people uncomfortable with how comfortable i am with death.

dying is another situation....

i watch the show called "the big C" and i've fallen madly in love with it. i know it's ridiculous to fall in love with a show but i have. laura linney and the rest of the cast is fabulous. it's not about dying from cancer, it's about living with cancer. anyway, i mention this because like this show, i tend to fall in love with plot lines, stories and movies that involve main characters or people of importance dying. "p.s. i love you" is one of my all time favorite movies, as is, "what dreams may come". the point is that where there is a struggle, death and love in the story, i'm hook, line and sinker. i thought this important to mention because it would seem that i am in love with love and with death & dying. it's romantic to me, in a sick way.

its a problem. or maybe it isn't. it's me. it's apart of what makes me who i am, so i guess it's not a problem. i wonder if i were examined by a professional what they would say? i don't crave sadness, i don't revel in depressive situations, i just feel that without the bad how will i know the good? without the sad, how will i know the happy?

 happiness isn't a state of being. happiness are moments. moments when a kid in your class says something hysterical. moments when a friend finds out she's pregnant again after trying for a while. moments when you get a new tattoo and you feel like a new person if just for a second. moments when you make your mom and dad laugh so hard they cry. moments when your husband decides he will go get dinner because you feel like crap. what does any of this have to do with dying? everything. it has everything to do with it. its because of these moments i don't fear death & dying . its because of death & dying i am able to recognize and appreciate these moments. its because of these shows and movies that allow me to feel and know that everything will be ok because i have these moments, that i don't have anything to worry about when it comes to death & dying because in all reality i have absolutely no control over my mortality. and i'm perfectly content with that fact of life.

so am i happy? not everyday. is everything good and wonderful? not at all, and there's nothing wrong with that.

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