Wednesday, December 28, 2011

we're going places...

i'm looking forward to what 2012 might have in store. i hate change, never been good with it. still wish sometimes i was a teenager, living at home with my parents, following rules. i wasn't that kid in a rush to grown up. i'm all set with staying right where i am. if i could i'd stay married but live at home. ha ha. you think i am kidding. ask my friends.

each year brings on big changes, and finally, i look forward to what this one has in store to be honest. i don't want to hold back, i want to go for it. i don't want to be afraid and i don't want to plan, because when i make plans, it rains, or snows, or god laughs and says, "not happening".

let it flow. let it go. i'll be me, because that i can't control. i will control what i can, and let what it is, be. i'll dream in my color palliate, and no one elses, i will speak my mind, and not bite my tongue. 2012 i'm ready for you, and i'm packing my bags, because i hope you take me places. don't know if i'll write again before the new year... so to all of you 'funny girls' out there, have a happy and healthy new year. pack your bags, because we're going places.

hau'oli makahiki hou

Thursday, December 22, 2011

how to find stupid people without even trying...

i'm not the brightest person you'll ever meet, but i'm certainly not the dumbest. at least i hope i'm not. i'm educated, both worldly and scholarly. that isn't to say that because i have degrees i'm smarter than those that don't, or that because i grew up in "the big city", i'm more intelligent than your suburban human. i'm just saying that i'm not some idiot out there in the world.

there are pet peeves of mine that really get me fired up. some are pretty small and simply just scratch at the surface. some are catastrophic; when they occur i'm a monster. i can admit these things because i have this innate sense of self-awareness (almost to a fault). with all that being said, the stresses of holidays have hit people like a ton of bricks. i take care of my tasks in stride and try not to add to my already stressful existence. but stupidity exists, and i find stupid people without even trying.

if you ever want to find stupid people here's the easiest way how: go out. simply leave your home, or go on facebook, watch tv, or "surf" the Internet and right there clear as day, there they are. staring at you in the face. no joke. assholes, driving straight down the middle of a two way street, you are practically sideswiping cars just to pass them as they honk, flipping you the finger during the giving holiday season. driving well below the speed limit in the left lane, and as you graciously go around them they speed up, again flipping the bird not allowing you enough room to get in front of their slow moving selves.

now, you wonder why i have aggression issues, this is why, drivers who drive slow, down the middle of the block, who run four way fucking stop signs and then honk me. people who jump red lights, almost smashing into my car, cutting lines, cutting across 2, 3, 4 lanes of traffic, therefore creating more traffic. women who drive ENORMOUS SUV's and can't see around their vehicles, and take up 2 parking spots in small parking lots. people who leave carts 2 spaces over from the cart return area. i was in almost 3 car accidents, none of which would have been my fault, 4 miles from my apartment, all because of the way people are driving on the phone, or parked like assholes, or simply not focusing on the task at hand.

people who complain about everything in the world, particularly things they have total control over, but are just perpetual complainers, and like to whine. if you don't like something about your life, change it. say something, do something, act. otherwise leave me alone. i don't feel bad for you. i don't empathize, sympathize, i've got my own shit to contend with, and i don't ask you to do anything but listen every once in a while if you are a dear and close friend. if you aren't then you don't know the inner workings of my existence, and you wouldn't know a daily frustration. if you did, i fix it, i do a kart-wheel, i talk to someone that might be able to help, i don't wallow. suck it up already. teenagers act that way, not grown people. go away, you're harshing my mellow; and during the holidays!

its so aggravating. i should stay home. and when i do i have the idiots that make millions on "reality" tv that isn't reality at all. and we as a society watch it. we have our guilty pleasures, i'm not immune, but how many shows do i need to see about people selling their shit in a pawn shop?

it doesn't stop there. nope. then we have our social network. the all impressive facebook. or as i call it- the devil. it's the devil. here's why. i'm grateful to reconnect with people that i cannot see all the time, and family. then there are those friend collectors, you know exactly who i am talking about. then of course the other people who you can't get rid of because they are friends with someone who you are friends with and that might get funny or weird/awkward. then there's the people you want to delete but they are related to you but you could care less about what they are updating about or posting. i know it sounds terrible, but i don't care that your wife is pregnant again, or that you kid shit on the potty, or that its snowing in africa blah blah blah. RB says i need to remember that facebook isn't real, and most of those people aren't really my friends and i shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. those of you who bother to read this blog know EXACTLY what i am talking about. i know you can relate and whether you admit it to me, or anyone else, you know its true. you'd love to delete 50% of those people on your "friends" list but you just don't for numerous reasons.

its like life. to be perfectly honest. if i could, i would delete (not kill, hurt or disfigure), just remove from my life, because they are too much work, and although i'm only 30 years old, i'm too tired for so much work. if you're my friend, you shouldn't be that much work. life is hard enough without "friends" adding to the mix.

this sounds like one big complaint but in reality its just a list of stupidity that found me on one day. honest, it was like a marathon of a day. i was happy to see the 23rd come. it was a good day, traffic and all. a little less stupidity found me on the 23rd, a lot more laughter found me instead.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

sometimes you need a good cry

when i have a bad moment, or bad moments i loose my shit. yesterday i had a bunch of bad moments. last week i had a bunch of bad moments. all those moments were washed away by a simple afternoon with my mom and one amazingly awesome moment.
i couldn't take it. i don't know what the "it" was, all i know was that i found myself sobbing in the shower. it was uncontrollable. i was terrified for some reason; frozen in the warm water beating on my back. i cried so hard i broke a few blood vessels in my face. nothing has been that bad for me to cry that hard, but my grandma always said, "sometimes you just need a good cry, to wash your eyes out."

i went to my mom's, reluctantly. i wasn't sure if it was going to be a good thing or a bad thing. was i going to be able to hold it together or was she going to berate me with questions, "what's wrong?", "whats the problem?", "why do you look like that?" but she asked that i come over and the lil' girl that i still am at 30, i obliged. mom didn't ask me once any of those things. seems like she already knew, i didn't want to be asked and i didn't have the answer to those questions anyway.

she let me help decorate the house with her for the holiday and she didn't complain, she made me laugh out loud, and we sang songs and danced like fools. it made me really miss home. it also made me wonder why i don't go over more, or why i don't spend more time with my mom. then i remembered, i can't hide anything, not a damn thing from my mom. she always knows. (it can be annoying sometimes). i can't pretend, i can pretend for i'd say 90-95% of the people i know; they have no clue as to what nonsense is going on in my head and heart, but mom is not one of them.

my amazing awesome moment was when Jan, let her beautiful son open his Christmas presents from Auntie Rapunzel and Uncle RB. now, i love shoes, and sneakers and i love to buy them. i love my friends and their kids. i love how everyone is having a family, but to be honest, its becoming very expensive for Auntie Rapunzel and Uncle RB, because we do not buy cheap gifts. sale prices, yes, cheap, no! anyway. little man got some clothes to get dirty in and rough house, and a pair of Adidas sneakers. no toys, i know i'm so mean right. but the kid has plenty of people in his life to buy other clothes and toys. far be it from me to deprive him of sneakers!

well, who would have guessed it, but he loved them, as did his daddy. Jan sent me photo after photo and the best little videos of little man blowing kisses and waving at me, he's jumping and running and dancing in those little Adidas sneakers. that was the best early Christmas present i ever got! (next to getting engaged of course, 12.24.2007, 11:15pm). i cried again, this time tears of absolute joy. i wanted to smoosh little man and run and jump and play with him. i'm so glad he liked his cool kicks. i'll be sure to keep him in style till he wants the really expensive ones, then its mommy and daddys' turn.

when i say things can be pretty fucking shitty, and i feel like the world is crashing in on me, and i can't hold on anymore; i try to tell myself things will get better, it won't always be this bad. whatever the this is, will work out. sometimes saying it to myself just isn't enough. on december 17th, i did just that, but it wasn't enough. sometimes i need a breakdown, to breakthrough. thanks bad times, for without them, i wouldn't recognize the good ones.

sometimes i just need a good cry, you know, to wash out my eyes.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

who's the 12 year old with the smokers cough?

i met this girl years ago, and we were kinda forced into being friendly to each other due to the circumstances of situation. at the time our boyfriends were best friends. we were polite, but we didn't care for one anothers' company, or so we thought. we thought the same thing about the other. what i thought of her: "she's a stuck up bitch from Long Island, who thinks who the hell she is", what she thought of me: "she's a stuck up bitch from Queens, who thinks who she is".

then something terrible happened. the bitch from long island said 'yes' to the marriage proposal. something had to be done. she was going to be around for a long time, and i was going to have to learn how to play nice. we went for coffee. it went great! later on, we both admitted disliking each other, thats how i have all this intel, that's also how i know that it did in fact go great, because i felt it, and she felt it. it made sense. we clicked. it was simple, and easy, and i loved her. she was my friend; my true friend.

everyone has their little quirks about them, things that make them seem crazy, i have a laundry list of items that actually do make me crazy, i really should have a rubber room somewhere. she liked me anyway and put up with all of it. she kept me calm, and let me cry, she didn't mock me for any of it. when she turned into crystal, her alternate "crazy" self, i went along with it, didn't mock, i rode the wave out.

i forgot to mention one thing about my friend. she's not only an amazing person, she has cystic fibrosis. the disease she had her entire life, became apart of my life. i absorbed it into my world. i loved her specifically because she never defined herself by her disease. it didn't overrun her life, but it did have to monopolize some of it; it's no small potatoes when it comes to diseases.

*Amy is small in stature, petite, like a little girl, but in a woman's body. she's thin, and has cream colored skin. her cheeks (as i remember), always had the color of peaches, (unless she wasn't feeling real well), she's lovely. i'm none of those things, and if we were just running out real quick somewhere, it almost looked like Amy was a 12-13 year old girl compared to me. the sound of her cough at first, is startling. but you get used to it. if you aren't used to a CF cough, you might mistake it for a smokers cough. (i have heard a smokers cough before and could always tell the difference, besides the point, i know). there would be times we would be out, or Amy would be out by herself, and she would cough, real hefty kinda coughing, and people would turn and stare, i wouldn't ignore Amy, i just didn't put a spot light on her. i'd wait till she was done and ask how she was. we would laugh and joke that people must wonder who is this 12 year old with the smokers cough.

years past, we grew closer and then something terrible happened. Amy was no longer my friend due to circumstances of situation. i was heartbroken. i was angry. i said i didn't give a shit, but really i did, a great deal. i missed my friend. i worried about my friend. she didn't need me like i needed her. she had a circle, a tight group of friends and support and love and people that always rode the wave of crystal well before the "stuck up bitch from queens" ever came along. i hated it. she did hurt me though, and i wasn't going to let that happen again. i have to state, a lot of those circumstances of situation that happened i couldn't blame Amy for; she was also put on a transplant list for new lungs because her health had depreciated so much, which didn't help in the situation either. it was a rough go for both of us personally. i was dealing with a lot of stuff on my end too.

18 months went by, give or take a few months and i got an email from Amy saying she saw a dress and thought of me. that was a crack of the door. it's been a year, and Amy and i have repaired our damaged friendship, and have planned on moving on from here. we have apologized for the past and realized that shit happens, circumstances of situations occur and we'll deal with it. this is all great news right? well, i've got even better news...

on december 9, 2011, someone, a glorious someone, who probably didn't think what they were doing at the time was a big deal, saved my friends life by becoming a donor. after months of waiting, and not feeling so great, but kept on praying, fingers and toes crossed, doctors visits, IV drugs, treatments, O2 tanks, 4 dry runs to the hospital, Amy got a double lung transplant. she's doing great. she feels great. she's amazing. she's always been amazing. i've cried a bunch of time because of this happy news. you can't understand how happy you can be for someone until you know them, and watch them wait, finally get a new organ, and new beginnings. in 2001 my uncle was given a second chance when he received a liver transplant.

become a donor, you might save someones life one day. thank you donor families EVERYWHERE. you are amazing people. thank you for saving 2 people i love. i know it's early but Merry Christmas, and Have a Happy and Healthy New Year Everyone.

*you know why you're name is Amy right?*

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


rule #47: never plan too far in advanced of lessons- inevitably a colleague and/or student will fuck your plan up.

rule #126: never wear real shoes (boots, heels, anything of the non-sneaker variety), to a place like where i work, inevitably (like today) you will have to break up a fight (or two), and run down the hall after a student (or two) therefore endangering your ankles, back and any other miscellaneous body parts.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

cheers to the holiday spirit!

i really enjoy sending and receiving mail. i send cards to my friends on a regular basis and notes to my grandparents. i don't mind writing out holiday cards. i especially enjoy sending my holiday cards to my friends who i know get a kick out of my funny, yet rude holiday cards. i take pleasure in taking the time to address each card, sign the card and even write a little note inside the card to let the people, which i am sending the cards to know that i took the time out to appreciate them. however, it has come to my attention in the recent of years that people, family included are fucking lazy and impersonal. i get it. limited time, limited funds, the joy and ease of computers, but c'mon people it's gone beyond the point of anything and everything i can take. (this isn't just for holiday cards, this goes for thank you cards as well).

it's great getting those nice little picture cards with peoples kids/families on them, but would it kill you to sign it? or at least write my name on it? i'm not saying that it isn't difficult to get that cute kid or dog or family of yours to sit still for a beautiful picture, or its super easy to work any of the numerous websites to create the photo card, i make calendars off those sites, but it becomes a little impersonal year after year after year. especially from people who don't have kids at all. (dogs count as "kids" in my book,  and i don't want to look at a picture of a couple). i got a card from a family member recently that the return address label was printed from a computer, my address was printed from a computer, the card was pre-printed as was the signature. the inside message was also pre-printed and there was no date and it wasn't addressed inside the card. now, i'm sure none of this seems that big of a deal to you all, but when you get card after card that is pre-printed, with nothing written on it you might as well be a stranger for cryin' out loud. 

this isn't a regular complaint, i'm just disappointed. i'm not saying you all should spend all that extra time, or am i patting myself on the back like that fucking student-teacher twit, but it's a holiday card. it would have been nice, at the very least, to read my name, or yours written inside the card you sent. (no one here is saying you need to write a note to everyone- but family deserves a note/ family-like friends deserves a note; all opinion). i guess on the other hand, i should just be happy you sent me a card at all. BUT when all this happens year after year, it makes me want to put you on that insignificant people list. 

i could always send a picture myself next year, which at this point, i'm totally thinking about doing, maybe i'll take a picture of my ass- it's a pretty sweet ass, it's gotta fucking elephant on it- pre-print a signature, pre-print a date, pre-print everything taking out everything that makes up the personality, the sweetness and all the specialness that i love about holiday cards, and mail those fuckers out; because currently, i don't feel like anyone actually appreciates their cards anymore. i feel like they do it because it's a custom. habit. like buying a shit load of unnecessary presents. 

please, don't take this the wrong way, i love my friends and my family, and i enjoy those picture cards, like i said earlier, would it be terribly difficult to sign it, or say 'hi'? but those extraneous people that get a card from me, won't be getting one next year, and i guarantee that they won't even notice. so maybe they are doing me a favor. in the same breath, i can't avoid sending family cards, but i can avoid being so giving and thoughtful in how i write my card. i guess that seems like it defeats the purpose but i'm tired of stressing, and getting myself worked up, doing so much for everyone else, and not getting back what i've been giving. 

i hate this about me; i'm uptight, i'm anxious, i'm wound to tight. i let too much bother me. by not doing so much, maybe i can unwind, be less anxious and not let the fact that maybe because people have decided to take, in my opinion, an easier/quicker route during the holiday season, piss me off, i can enjoy the little things. like writing my notes in my christmas cards, or write longer ones to the people that will still actually get one next holiday season. 

so for those who sent me a card this season (RB's old boss), who just signed her name and did nothing else, (i mean it, she signed her name), don't look for a card from me. if it's that important to RB, he'll send you one, it won't be coming from me, unless it's a picture of my elephant! 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

enjoy the silence

something happens to teachers when they get tired, or it hits the end of the day or it hits some point of the day. or maybe it's just me. it's probably just me. i start to get a little kookie in the day; by kookie i mean, i dance, and sing and do kart-wheels down the hall. now, i know this is in no way the ideal behavior for a teacher to participate in but like i said, sometimes it just hits that point of the day, or week that you just crack and it's either going to be a kart-wheel down the hall or a kid shoved down a flight of stairs.

don't get me wrong, i like my job. i don't love it. i like it. i like those little moments when a kid does something well, or something clicks, and they learn, i like it even better when they change their attitude or way of thinking or acting. i'm more a teacher of the human being than the teacher of the academia. yeah sure, reading, writing and math and all that is important and of course i want them to succeed but if they grow up to be waste product douche bags, who gives a shit if they can read and write. so, i do a kart-wheel when my day isn't going so right.

today, today wasn't a good day. today i am tired, and cranky, and one of my favorite people in the world would say, "how is that different from any other day?" well my dear friend, like i usually tell him, i'm not always cranky, tired usually, cranky no. no kart-wheels today. i tried to sing but it didn't work. i tried to dance, but it didn't work. i tried to not pay any mind to the idiotic behavior of my colleagues who were irritating the ever-loving shit out of me. i made a valiant attempt at listening to the soundtrack to my life that plays in my head. it was no use. it was not sunny for me today. (if you are wondering if i shoved a kid down the stairs today, i didn't. although, if i told you what actually happened to me today you might have wondered why i didn't).

the best part of my day today was coming home... to an empty house. RB is out. i finished decorating the christmas tree, made dinner for myself and enjoyed an independent movie that otherwise i wouldn't be able to watch because RB finds them usually boring. i have barely said a word. i have been listening to music or the soundtrack to my life that plays in my head. i'm very tired but i'm not ready to go to bed just yet because i am too busy enjoying the silence and the time i'm having with myself.

while i was decorating the tree i noticed myself thinking things that my mom used to say out loud like, "i'm not putting all these ornaments up, then i gotta put them all away", or, "oh crap, how am i going to remember where this came from", "this looks good", "i'm done", "pretty soon this whole thing is going in the garbage", all of these thoughts made me laugh, some out loud. i mention this because if RB were home, and if i had a good day i may not have had my moment with my mom today; she wasn't even here.

in a nutshell, this long winded piece is saying; had i had a good day, i may not have had my moment, i may not have enjoyed my evening as much as i did, i may not have treasured the silence for what it was.

now i can sleep...