fuck this. i hate to rush time because i know life is short and blah, blah, blah however, i wasn't paying much attention to what month it was, i mean don't get me wrong i know exactly what month it is, but i'm just chugging on through it. with that being said, i can't stand it. i hate feeling the way i feel and seriously not having much control over it. i know what you're thinking; if you know what month it is, than stop thinking about the month, the weather, and what it affect it has on you. well, i can't.
are you confused? well stop. it seems that since i have been a late teen- since college- the month of february is my dark month. without ever knowing how or why, i become so fucked. down in a funk. THE FUNK. i want to hide. i don't want to leave my home, my room, my bed. i don't want to talk to anyone, including my husband, i rethink everything i have done with my life up until this point and where i want to go from here on in. i cry. a lot. i'm angry, i'm sad, and i'm heart broken. i wonder what i've done wrong or what i can do to change the way i feel, but every february comes and i wonder all the same things, and it can, and does frighten me every year.
as much as i fight it; exercise, sleep, rest, talk, not talk, hang out with friends, ignore, it doesn't change it. the funk usually dissipates starting with my birthday at the beginning of march, and even then, it's not quite gone. it's never really gone until April. there have been times where the funk ends, and picks back up again a few months later. without fail, february comes and i truly fucking hate me, and pretty much everything i've ever done. this worst part about this year... i'm missing someone that usually helps me through my funk, and i have no one left to blame but me. (that's whole other story and issue that perhaps one day i'd be willing and able to admit to).
<open, close... i'm on the beach>
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
"i want to go to there."
did i ever mention that dad worked on the show "30 rock" for all of the seasons of it's inception? no? well he did, and it was my favorite job of his, and so fucking cool. when RB & i were getting married, i went to the make-up department for the show to help provide me with and teach me how to do my own make up. i have numerous items, tee-shirts, sweatshirts, posters, pictures from the show which is pretty awesome. on top of all this, the show is a great show, i'm sad to see it go, it has provided me with some amazing lines, and new vernacular that i use on the daily- "what the what?"
when the opportunity presented itself to attend the series finale's wrap party, i couldn't have been more excited. seriously, i was so excited that i couldn't sleep. i have always had dreams of hanging with tina fey, amy poehler and jimmy fallon (and of course the rest of the actual cast of the show). i want to be on t.v. i'm practically liz lemon for crying out loud, except from the writing, and single hood, and childless at 40+, i'm all about the awkward self-esteem and random one-liners.
RB didn't go, so instead JD came as my date and we had a great time, unforgettable and completely fucking awesome. we arrived to see the Saturday Night Band playing amazing blues, jazz, motown party music, tip-top shelf open bar, and delicious food. (RB regrets not coming after all, i did miss him and feel kinda bad for him, but JD enjoyed herself enough to not make me feel too bad for RB).
the cast members could be found all over the room, socializing with just about everyone. dad spoke to Jeff Richmond for a while on numerous occasions- Jeff Richmond is married to Tina Fey and did all the music for the show, not to mention he could be seen in several episodes- such a sweet and polite man who knows my dad by name. Jack McBrayer was all smiles, and Tracey Morgan showed up and socialized, took a picture with my mom, as well as Alec. Jane Krakowski was all over and such a sweet lady. The gentlemen who play Grizz "Grizz" Chapman and Kevin "Dot Com" Brown were lovely, enormous, gentlemen who said hello to everyone. JD and i were looking for dad we were approached by Kevin "Dot Com" Brown, this is how the encounter went:
Kevin Brown: Hello Ladies. You didn't work on the show did you?
JD: mouth gaping open, stunned and at a loss for words turns to me.
Me: No, my dad <pointing in dad's direction> is apart of the crew.
Kevin Brown: I thought so, i would remember girls like you. So, you're dad is R.W.S.? They crew is everything here, they are the back bone of the show. they keep the show going and we [little] actors couldn't do it without them, they truly are the show. if i haven't told your dad already please tell him again, how grateful i am to him and what a great job he did over the years.
JD: smiling.
Me: Will do. that's very nice of you to say. Thank you.
Kevin Brown: <looking JD up and down with a smile> now, you ladies enjoy yourselves tonight!
Me: Thanks, you too.
i was convinced JD was being hit on, it wouldn't be the first time, she's very attractive.
Keith "toofer" Powell told us to have a good evening after saying hello to us as if we were all old friends. these encounters, although lovely and unexpected, they were not the highlight of my evening, not by a long shot.
Tina Fey had walked past me on numerous occasions and she was close to me on the dance floor but it wasn't enough. i wanted a moment, but i wasn't going to stalk the woman. my chance came in an unexpected place. i walked out of a bathroom stall approaching a sink to wash my hands when JD catches my eye. JD is standing somewhat deer-in-headlight look, pointing in the direction of a petite woman in pants, fixing her make-up in the bathroom mirror. it was her! tina! i walked right over took my phone out and tapped her on the shoulder. I apologized for bothering her, and for interrupting her good time. she said it was ok, and then i proceeded to say, "you are one of my comedic icons, can i please take a picture with you?" tina laughed, said thank you, and of course, absolutely.
we took a photo that some say i look like Tina's twin, or an old friend of hers. it was a great moment, i just accosted one of my favorite women in comedy in the bathroom. JD couldn't believe what i had done but i was pretty pleased with myself. <what the what?!>
nothing ruined the rest of my night. i danced with my friend, and my parents to amazing music, and had a fabulous time. i wish the show wasn't ending i feel like i could have done some great things with ms. fey.
when the opportunity presented itself to attend the series finale's wrap party, i couldn't have been more excited. seriously, i was so excited that i couldn't sleep. i have always had dreams of hanging with tina fey, amy poehler and jimmy fallon (and of course the rest of the actual cast of the show). i want to be on t.v. i'm practically liz lemon for crying out loud, except from the writing, and single hood, and childless at 40+, i'm all about the awkward self-esteem and random one-liners.
RB didn't go, so instead JD came as my date and we had a great time, unforgettable and completely fucking awesome. we arrived to see the Saturday Night Band playing amazing blues, jazz, motown party music, tip-top shelf open bar, and delicious food. (RB regrets not coming after all, i did miss him and feel kinda bad for him, but JD enjoyed herself enough to not make me feel too bad for RB).
the cast members could be found all over the room, socializing with just about everyone. dad spoke to Jeff Richmond for a while on numerous occasions- Jeff Richmond is married to Tina Fey and did all the music for the show, not to mention he could be seen in several episodes- such a sweet and polite man who knows my dad by name. Jack McBrayer was all smiles, and Tracey Morgan showed up and socialized, took a picture with my mom, as well as Alec. Jane Krakowski was all over and such a sweet lady. The gentlemen who play Grizz "Grizz" Chapman and Kevin "Dot Com" Brown were lovely, enormous, gentlemen who said hello to everyone. JD and i were looking for dad we were approached by Kevin "Dot Com" Brown, this is how the encounter went:
Kevin Brown: Hello Ladies. You didn't work on the show did you?
JD: mouth gaping open, stunned and at a loss for words turns to me.
Me: No, my dad <pointing in dad's direction> is apart of the crew.
Kevin Brown: I thought so, i would remember girls like you. So, you're dad is R.W.S.? They crew is everything here, they are the back bone of the show. they keep the show going and we [little] actors couldn't do it without them, they truly are the show. if i haven't told your dad already please tell him again, how grateful i am to him and what a great job he did over the years.
JD: smiling.
Me: Will do. that's very nice of you to say. Thank you.
Kevin Brown: <looking JD up and down with a smile> now, you ladies enjoy yourselves tonight!
Me: Thanks, you too.
i was convinced JD was being hit on, it wouldn't be the first time, she's very attractive.
Keith "toofer" Powell told us to have a good evening after saying hello to us as if we were all old friends. these encounters, although lovely and unexpected, they were not the highlight of my evening, not by a long shot.
Tina Fey had walked past me on numerous occasions and she was close to me on the dance floor but it wasn't enough. i wanted a moment, but i wasn't going to stalk the woman. my chance came in an unexpected place. i walked out of a bathroom stall approaching a sink to wash my hands when JD catches my eye. JD is standing somewhat deer-in-headlight look, pointing in the direction of a petite woman in pants, fixing her make-up in the bathroom mirror. it was her! tina! i walked right over took my phone out and tapped her on the shoulder. I apologized for bothering her, and for interrupting her good time. she said it was ok, and then i proceeded to say, "you are one of my comedic icons, can i please take a picture with you?" tina laughed, said thank you, and of course, absolutely.
we took a photo that some say i look like Tina's twin, or an old friend of hers. it was a great moment, i just accosted one of my favorite women in comedy in the bathroom. JD couldn't believe what i had done but i was pretty pleased with myself. <what the what?!>
nothing ruined the rest of my night. i danced with my friend, and my parents to amazing music, and had a fabulous time. i wish the show wasn't ending i feel like i could have done some great things with ms. fey.
 |
| SNL band |
Saturday, January 19, 2013
should i have done a year in review?
i feel like i should have done a year in review similar to a fellow blogger and one of my besties. i just get the feeling that my year in review will compare in comparison of interest or milestones if you will. i lead a fairly boring life. no kids, nothing really to do, no real milestones, i suppose. i did however, travel- vegas- remember got sick on the way there, europe for the first time ever- how could you forget the violent illness that required RB and i to come home 6 days early. it also enabled me to lose weight, jump start my new "weight-loss" regime. buy an apt, and celebrate many things with family and friends, like new babies being conceived and born.
i definitely feel though that 2013's gonna be big. well, maybe not big, but something a little different anyway. we'll travel and still go places, we have a few trips already in the making, hawaii and alabama are just a few of the places on the list. we'll finally get be actual owners of our apartment and renovate it, my dad is 60, , and who knows what else might happen--- just have this small suspicion it'll be good, maybe nothing to write home about, but good.
bring it on 2013.
i definitely feel though that 2013's gonna be big. well, maybe not big, but something a little different anyway. we'll travel and still go places, we have a few trips already in the making, hawaii and alabama are just a few of the places on the list. we'll finally get be actual owners of our apartment and renovate it, my dad is 60, , and who knows what else might happen--- just have this small suspicion it'll be good, maybe nothing to write home about, but good.
bring it on 2013.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Well...
happy new year kids! i cannot believe i have been lax in my blogging. well, first, christmas was lovely, well, it was fine anyway. stressful because i help mom and we both do so much work- more mom than me of course however, still a little hectic. i had a relaxing and enjoyable week off, and then of course--- new years eve. violently ill, and barely able to move. i went to my mom's anyway just for a few hours. i couldn't have a happy new year without my parents. unfortunately, the fun had to end and i had to go back to work- boo, hiss!
the biggest thing that was/is this month is my dad's 60th birthday! this is a huge day. it means a lot to me that i have my dad, let alone have my dad to 60. my grandfather, my dad's dad, died when i was 1, when my dad was 29 years old, and he was 58 years old. i still don't really know how it affected my dad, but when i think about the fact that my dad is 60! i feel super lucky. RB's dad died when RB was 29, and he was 58 years old, which is just another reason to feel super lucky. dad was not happy about turning 60, he was feeling old, and unhappy about his age, but i kept trying to remind him that it was great to be 60, i was happy he was 60 and he is nothing like a regular-everyday-run-of-the-mill 60 year old man.
i finally had enough with my dad feeling down on himself. so i shared an unfortunate story with him: last monday while at work it was reported that a lovely, sweet, and caring paraprofessional who was nothing short of wonderful, had gone into the hospital for a routine heart surgery. with any surgery there are risks, and she continued with her surgery. after 7 hours, doctors attempted to wake her up, while coming out of anesthesia her organs began shutting down one by one, and she passed away. she left behind her 3 kids, and her loving husband. she was 42 years old.
although it was sad, and truly heartbreaking, i think my point came across. dad stopped, at the very least, complaining to me.
dad and mom often have this conversation about "what do you want to accomplish before you die or get old" kinda thing. usually, mom says things like, a doctorate degree, travel, etc. dad on the other hand, a man who has already accomplished more in a day than some do in a year. dad's thing on his list-- be able to do a back flip. a back flip! so, what does one do when they want to accomplish such a thing? register for gymnastics classes and hide it from everyone. he is currently practicing 1-2 times a week, working on the very least, a back handspring. the. man. is. nuts. but i love him. i'll let you know how the back flip goes... just picture it though, it's hilarious but yet pretty amazing!
the biggest thing that was/is this month is my dad's 60th birthday! this is a huge day. it means a lot to me that i have my dad, let alone have my dad to 60. my grandfather, my dad's dad, died when i was 1, when my dad was 29 years old, and he was 58 years old. i still don't really know how it affected my dad, but when i think about the fact that my dad is 60! i feel super lucky. RB's dad died when RB was 29, and he was 58 years old, which is just another reason to feel super lucky. dad was not happy about turning 60, he was feeling old, and unhappy about his age, but i kept trying to remind him that it was great to be 60, i was happy he was 60 and he is nothing like a regular-everyday-run-of-the-mill 60 year old man.
i finally had enough with my dad feeling down on himself. so i shared an unfortunate story with him: last monday while at work it was reported that a lovely, sweet, and caring paraprofessional who was nothing short of wonderful, had gone into the hospital for a routine heart surgery. with any surgery there are risks, and she continued with her surgery. after 7 hours, doctors attempted to wake her up, while coming out of anesthesia her organs began shutting down one by one, and she passed away. she left behind her 3 kids, and her loving husband. she was 42 years old.
although it was sad, and truly heartbreaking, i think my point came across. dad stopped, at the very least, complaining to me.
dad and mom often have this conversation about "what do you want to accomplish before you die or get old" kinda thing. usually, mom says things like, a doctorate degree, travel, etc. dad on the other hand, a man who has already accomplished more in a day than some do in a year. dad's thing on his list-- be able to do a back flip. a back flip! so, what does one do when they want to accomplish such a thing? register for gymnastics classes and hide it from everyone. he is currently practicing 1-2 times a week, working on the very least, a back handspring. the. man. is. nuts. but i love him. i'll let you know how the back flip goes... just picture it though, it's hilarious but yet pretty amazing!
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