is it april yet?

fuck this. i hate to rush time because i know life is short and blah, blah, blah however, i wasn't paying much attention to what month it was, i mean don't get me wrong i know exactly what month it is, but i'm just chugging on through it. with that being said, i can't stand it. i hate feeling the way i feel and seriously not having much control over it. i know what you're thinking; if you know what month it is, than stop thinking about the month, the weather, and what it affect it has on you. well, i can't.

are you confused? well stop. it seems that since i have been a late teen- since college- the month of february is my dark month. without ever knowing how or why, i become so fucked. down in a funk. THE FUNK. i want to hide. i don't want to leave my home, my room, my bed. i don't want to talk to anyone, including my husband, i rethink everything i have done with my life up until this point and where i want to go from here on in. i cry. a lot. i'm angry, i'm sad, and i'm heart broken. i wonder what i've done wrong or what i can do to change the way i feel, but every february comes and i wonder all the same things, and it can, and does frighten me every year.

as much as i fight it; exercise, sleep, rest, talk, not talk, hang out with friends, ignore, it doesn't change it. the funk usually dissipates starting with my birthday at the beginning of march, and even then, it's not quite gone. it's never really gone until April. there have been times where the funk ends, and picks back up again a few months later. without fail, february comes and i truly fucking hate me, and pretty much everything i've ever done. this worst part about this year... i'm missing someone that usually helps me through my funk, and i have no one left to blame but me. (that's whole other story and issue that perhaps one day i'd be willing and able to admit to).

<open, close... i'm on the beach>