Shit! I'm old.

i have 3 "godchildren" however, only 1 of the 3 have been baptized which makes me really her "godmother". it just so happens that she is also the first godchild i have, which in turn makes her my favorite, but that can always change (wink, wink).

AC was born when i was 10 days shy of my 14th birthday. i was in the 8th grade and living it up. she was born and it was a shock to have her come along, but alas, she was a blessing in disguise as most surprise babies are. she had big blue eyes, and a huge grin. she was a happy baby from what i can remember, and she looked just like her mother. when she was baptized i swore to god that i would teach her all the things a godmother is supposed to teach her, and then some. she had many nicknames and talents, Medusa was one name on the list, and by age 4 she could recite and perform every move in the "Spice Girls Movie". it only occurred to me recently that when she was growing and being a kids kid, i was in college, and missed out on some important teachings.

all of a sudden she was in high school, and i had been "gone", from her life. i mean i was there to go to dance recitals, and birthdays, and even babysit on the rare occasion that her grandparents couldn't babysit. i tried to help out, but i didn't want to over step my boundaries as a godmother and not a parent. what i didn't realize is that you can make suggestions or help out as long as you figure out a good way to do it, but, the tricky thing with first children and first time parents is that you (the parent) want to figure it out, and do it your way.  sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. this isn't to say AC wasn't raised well, or had everything she ever asked for and more, this is more of a hit on my own ego that i wish i spoke up more often to make an effort in understanding her.

i understand this kid more than she knows. i can speak the things she has trouble putting into words, but instead i chose to sit back and not help her out, and watch her make silly choices that could have been avoided. silly choices will be made regardless of who intervenes, BUT, repetitive silly choices can always be avoided. i don't blame myself completely, i am not mad at myself, but i am disappointed that someone like me, so outspoken most of the time, couldn't open my mouth to help the kid out.

nothing terrible has happened, nothing earth shattering that is. i just worry she'll turn out like me, as awesome as i am, i have, if you haven't noticed, a lot of built of bullshit that brews and sits and soaks into the recesses of my mind and fucks with me and my choices as an adult. i wouldn't wish my "retardation" on anyone, it's no way to live.

she's a great kid. smart, beautiful, caring, kind, hilarious, family oriented, sweet, and good taste in music- (which is a recent phenomenon). she turns 18 on sunday, and i just hope that she realizes all the good and beauty in this world she is. she's deserving of so much more than she gives herself credit for, and truly, can be, ANYTHING.

18? shit! i'm old. guess, that makes me, 27 all over again.

Happy birthday my dear, darling, sweet, AC! Cheers to many HAPPY, amazing, and wonderful years more! love- yaya

thoughts that cross my warped mind.

have you ever seen a fat<heavy> person do yoga? i haven't either. i mean, in really amazing positions and on posters and such. i have seen heavy people do yoga in a studio. i've really only ever seen thin people, very flexible thin people. i guess, i should take a hint and give it a better "college" try maybe then i won't be that chubby girl doing yoga, i'll get to be that really thin, bendy person.

happy "regular" people valentine's day.

the double F (ff)

double F as this month has been coined recently, due to the annual February Funk that i seem to find myself in circa 1999. it isn't a funk like other funks, it fluctuates from day to day. some days i'm angry and nasty, some i'm fine, some i'm simply frustrated, others i want to sleep. let me say that this funk, although known, is never expected, or welcomed with open arms. it creeps up, like a project you forgot to do and suddenly is due in a day.

generally, this is the progression of the double F; a few days either leading up to February or the immediate beginning of February, i start to become snarky, and easily frustrated, i'll snap at RB or i'll catch myself crying for, what seems like,  no reason. i'll frantically look at the calendar to check on my cycle, i'll focus on things happening at work, stress, projects, etc, then i will actually focus on what's going on at home that might be setting me off. the usual result: i look at the calendar and realize that i shouldn't have hormonal reactions to things, stresses at work are the same as every other month, and home is home. it clicks- it's february, it's the double f.

it's not an excuse to be rude, or angry. trust me, i wish i could control the roller coaster of emotions i often feel throughout the month. its really difficult not having a filter whatsoever, and having an extremely sensitive, low-self-worth feeling husband who does nothing but try so desperately to make you happy and smile, which some might find cute and sweet, but i want to throw a frying pan at him for it all.

i don't know how to make anyone understand how little control i have over myself. i can't escape my mind. i'm trapped in thoughts i shouldn't be having, and re-thinking, over-thinking everything. it makes me sick, literally.

i cannot be excused for my behavior, however, it seems unfair to hold me accountable for it for the entire month. i try to appropriately express my feelings and my not being able to deal with anyone or anything prior to flipping my shit, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

so, here it is, this month- not so good for me, not so good for anyone having to come in contact with me. i wish i could figure this out, so far, no go. i feel like all at once i could run away, get divorced, have a baby, quite my job, sell my clothes, buy a new wardrobe, move out, kill someone, workout every day, not work out at all, sleep 18 hours a night, sleep 4 hours a night, eat everything, or starve myself.

whatever you're currently feeling, magnify it by 10 and you just might come closet to understanding how i've been feeling. don't feel bad for RB either, not for nothing, he doesn't make it easier on himself. when asked to be left alone, he often crawls up my ass so far i feel like i'm getting another colonoscopy. trust me, he's a good man, and means well, but sometimes that can only go so far.

welcome to my double f, hopefully it won't be as bad as it has been in the past.