the double F (ff)

double F as this month has been coined recently, due to the annual February Funk that i seem to find myself in circa 1999. it isn't a funk like other funks, it fluctuates from day to day. some days i'm angry and nasty, some i'm fine, some i'm simply frustrated, others i want to sleep. let me say that this funk, although known, is never expected, or welcomed with open arms. it creeps up, like a project you forgot to do and suddenly is due in a day.

generally, this is the progression of the double F; a few days either leading up to February or the immediate beginning of February, i start to become snarky, and easily frustrated, i'll snap at RB or i'll catch myself crying for, what seems like,  no reason. i'll frantically look at the calendar to check on my cycle, i'll focus on things happening at work, stress, projects, etc, then i will actually focus on what's going on at home that might be setting me off. the usual result: i look at the calendar and realize that i shouldn't have hormonal reactions to things, stresses at work are the same as every other month, and home is home. it clicks- it's february, it's the double f.

it's not an excuse to be rude, or angry. trust me, i wish i could control the roller coaster of emotions i often feel throughout the month. its really difficult not having a filter whatsoever, and having an extremely sensitive, low-self-worth feeling husband who does nothing but try so desperately to make you happy and smile, which some might find cute and sweet, but i want to throw a frying pan at him for it all.

i don't know how to make anyone understand how little control i have over myself. i can't escape my mind. i'm trapped in thoughts i shouldn't be having, and re-thinking, over-thinking everything. it makes me sick, literally.

i cannot be excused for my behavior, however, it seems unfair to hold me accountable for it for the entire month. i try to appropriately express my feelings and my not being able to deal with anyone or anything prior to flipping my shit, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

so, here it is, this month- not so good for me, not so good for anyone having to come in contact with me. i wish i could figure this out, so far, no go. i feel like all at once i could run away, get divorced, have a baby, quite my job, sell my clothes, buy a new wardrobe, move out, kill someone, workout every day, not work out at all, sleep 18 hours a night, sleep 4 hours a night, eat everything, or starve myself.

whatever you're currently feeling, magnify it by 10 and you just might come closet to understanding how i've been feeling. don't feel bad for RB either, not for nothing, he doesn't make it easier on himself. when asked to be left alone, he often crawls up my ass so far i feel like i'm getting another colonoscopy. trust me, he's a good man, and means well, but sometimes that can only go so far.

welcome to my double f, hopefully it won't be as bad as it has been in the past.