the idea is growing on me

there is so much that has come into my brain since reading past posts on http://www.growingupmaine.blogspot.com i should start slow though and begin with what was on my mind.

i have, for years, had issues with aspects of being a grown-up. one aspect that has always been atop of the list, babies. the other, a "house" or something owned. if it were up to RB we would have had something owned, and at least 1 kid and another on the way by the time our first anniversary came 'round. i thank god everyday that it's not up to him! :-) i know i have mentioned this before, numerous times, but our first 2 years of marriage were far from pleasant. if we owned something, i would have had to have someone else help pay our mortgage, because whatever you think about living off one salary, that of a NYC teachers salary isn't enough. dealing with a depressed, sick husband with a kid or 2 most certainty would not have been fun, or easy. there is no doubt in my mind that i wouldn't have survived. what i really mean to say is that i would have lived,  but i can say with almost 100% certainty my marriage would have not. again, i thank god everyday that it's not ALL up to RB.

for a long while i have laughed off the suggestions that we should have a baby. "when are you going to have a baby?" is one of those most irritating and ridiculous questions i think you can ask anyone, especially me. one, it's not any of your business, b) i'm not a fortune teller, i can't see the future, 3. i don't know that i want to be a mom, 4. i don't know, i haven't tried! what i want to know is where is the law that states at a certain age, and certain amount of years married you need to get on that? anyway, i am seriously loosing focus. i've warmed up to the idea of being a mom. i really owe a lot of it to three things, 1. therapy- everyone should go to therapy even if you think you shouldn't at some point in your life, not forever, but it's a healthy place, 2. my best friends & their kids- i love them, truly with my whole heart, i couldn't imagine life without them or their wonderfully magical kids, when E, LV and BDS look at me, call my name or respond to me in such a loving way, it melts my cold heart and makes me want one of my own- don't tell RB. lastly and most importantly, RB's health- he has been taking such good care of himself, there's still room for improvement, like anything else, but he has become so much more meticulous about it and he makes me proud.

something owned... this has been an internal battle for me for years. on the one hand i completely understand the "good idea" it is for us/me own something, however, the freedom to move whenever, and not have to fix "it" ourselves, the lack of responsibility seems absolutely dreamy to me. unfortunately, we have outgrown this place, its small and when friends come we stay at my mom's house. it seems silly to NOT buy something and just move to a bigger apartment. we've been looking on and off for YEARS. we've looked at everything IMAGINABLE. co-ops, condos, beach houses, cottages, houses, tudors.

I had decided that if i was going to invest in something that i wasn't sure i was ready for it better be spacious. unfortunately, we live in NYC. to buy a house in NYC you must have a lot of money to spend up front- houses are expensive, taxes are cheap, however, in LI taxes are high but to buy the house it's fairly inexpensive. i looked and looked and tried to picture myself living in LI- if you don't know any LI people, lucky you. They are distinctly different from city people, very distinctly different. i have statistics that prove how much i don't like LI people. for every 5 i meet, i like and can stand 1. 20%. that's it, 20%. i became sure that i wouldn't fall into the 20% of people i liked from LI if i moved there. i know, i know, technically i'm from the city, but if i had a kid, that kid would be from LI- NOT GONNA HAPPEN. the only caveat to this plan was Long Beach, a section of LI that is an island all it's own, with it's own rules, and feel and it's on the beach, one of my most favorite places on the planet. RB wasn't into moving to LB, (i'm working on this as an eventual plan),  so i had to rethink how i was feeling about space.

live in area that isn't terrible but i can't picture living there but i can afford it, OR, do a city search and live in smaller quarters in a place i am very comfortable with? again, a city search becomes a problem, like i said, we can't really afford a house in the city in a neighborhood we would want to live, what i originally thought i didn't want, a 2 bedroom co-op/condo was now on the list.

so here we are. looking at 2 bedroom apartments, essentially. we have found a good alternative and have come to a conclusion. we have decided that we will put a bid on a 2 bedroom, 1 bath co-op in the same neighborhood in which we currently live. it is old, but cheap. it could potentially cost us as much as our current rent, with utilities, which actually makes it CHEAPER. the fun part and super scary part, it needs work. IT NEEDS WORK. it's livable, but OLD. the idea is to fix it to our taste, and lets face it, that's really my taste. I'm kinda excited and scared of course, but it'll be my space, my ideas, and it won't cost an arm and a leg. eventually, we could and will sell it and make a profit so that we can use it to buy a house in the city, a real life house, 3 bedrooms, 2 bath or a super fabulous beach house in LB.

so grown-up, i know. the amazing thing about my friends, my best friends, the ones i can't live without, is that they do grown-up things, and own houses and have kids, but they are far from grown-ups. shit, my parents have a kid, own a house and are far from grown-ups! i think that a few grown-up activities that are life changing may not be so bad. they probably won't make me that much more grown-up than i already am. i could probably use a little grown-up stuff here and there, nothing serious though. we'll start small, and buy an apartment, the idea is growing on me.