sometimes you need a good cry

when i have a bad moment, or bad moments i loose my shit. yesterday i had a bunch of bad moments. last week i had a bunch of bad moments. all those moments were washed away by a simple afternoon with my mom and one amazingly awesome moment.
i couldn't take it. i don't know what the "it" was, all i know was that i found myself sobbing in the shower. it was uncontrollable. i was terrified for some reason; frozen in the warm water beating on my back. i cried so hard i broke a few blood vessels in my face. nothing has been that bad for me to cry that hard, but my grandma always said, "sometimes you just need a good cry, to wash your eyes out."

i went to my mom's, reluctantly. i wasn't sure if it was going to be a good thing or a bad thing. was i going to be able to hold it together or was she going to berate me with questions, "what's wrong?", "whats the problem?", "why do you look like that?" but she asked that i come over and the lil' girl that i still am at 30, i obliged. mom didn't ask me once any of those things. seems like she already knew, i didn't want to be asked and i didn't have the answer to those questions anyway.

she let me help decorate the house with her for the holiday and she didn't complain, she made me laugh out loud, and we sang songs and danced like fools. it made me really miss home. it also made me wonder why i don't go over more, or why i don't spend more time with my mom. then i remembered, i can't hide anything, not a damn thing from my mom. she always knows. (it can be annoying sometimes). i can't pretend, i can pretend for i'd say 90-95% of the people i know; they have no clue as to what nonsense is going on in my head and heart, but mom is not one of them.

my amazing awesome moment was when Jan, let her beautiful son open his Christmas presents from Auntie Rapunzel and Uncle RB. now, i love shoes, and sneakers and i love to buy them. i love my friends and their kids. i love how everyone is having a family, but to be honest, its becoming very expensive for Auntie Rapunzel and Uncle RB, because we do not buy cheap gifts. sale prices, yes, cheap, no! anyway. little man got some clothes to get dirty in and rough house, and a pair of Adidas sneakers. no toys, i know i'm so mean right. but the kid has plenty of people in his life to buy other clothes and toys. far be it from me to deprive him of sneakers!

well, who would have guessed it, but he loved them, as did his daddy. Jan sent me photo after photo and the best little videos of little man blowing kisses and waving at me, he's jumping and running and dancing in those little Adidas sneakers. that was the best early Christmas present i ever got! (next to getting engaged of course, 12.24.2007, 11:15pm). i cried again, this time tears of absolute joy. i wanted to smoosh little man and run and jump and play with him. i'm so glad he liked his cool kicks. i'll be sure to keep him in style till he wants the really expensive ones, then its mommy and daddys' turn.

when i say things can be pretty fucking shitty, and i feel like the world is crashing in on me, and i can't hold on anymore; i try to tell myself things will get better, it won't always be this bad. whatever the this is, will work out. sometimes saying it to myself just isn't enough. on december 17th, i did just that, but it wasn't enough. sometimes i need a breakdown, to breakthrough. thanks bad times, for without them, i wouldn't recognize the good ones.

sometimes i just need a good cry, you know, to wash out my eyes.