i've been in a rut. it's been partly my own fault. i've allowed people around me to take charge in hopes that they would take care of things forgetting that if i want things to get done, then i have to take the initiative to help myself. i did a lot of complaining and whining and not understand where i was going wrong. i don't make resolutions, instead i try to figure out where i made a wrong turn and fix it, learn from it.
we are packing our bags and making shit happen. we booked our second trip for 2012. we are officially going places. no joke. i'm looking for more inexpensive flights to visit my friends and people that are not insignificant and i hope they too can find it in their hearts, and bank accounts to come and see me too.
i woke up after about 6 hours of sleep this fine new years morning and immediately had this urge to clean house. it wasn't just the need to clean house of filth, and decorations i've been staring at since the beginning of december. i'm not just cleaning me up, my mind up, my life up, my marriage up, but all that is around me up. i say a lot of shit about how i'm not going to take a lot of peoples shit, but unfortunately i do take a lot of other peoples shit, and i let them shit on me. fuck that. i'm over it. i've hidden this blog from so many people and i shouldn't. they should know, they should read it, if they think its about them, then so be it, if they don't then so be it. if you can't handle the brutal honesty that i am wiling to afford you with, than you can't be apart of my life anymore. i've been through enough shit in my short lifespan that there is no reason on my end to treat you like a delicate flower; i wasn't and have never expected anyone to treat me in a delicate manner, so why should i treat you that way, that's not who i am.
the holidays came, RB's birthday arrived, family members passed in recent years, people got sick, people got healthy, and i look around and i see who has been there and who hasn't and it's time to clean house. so, i'm going to tell all you memoir readers out there what i told Jan this morning: "I have the urge to clean everything, my house and my life out of crap i just don't need. by life i mean people. i'm not going to be angry about shit- its a waste of time to be angry, i'm going to say it, seriously and honestly and when people don't like it, there's absolutely no reason that they need be required to be my friend anymore. as much as sometimes my favorite people in the world bug me, they always seem to know they bug me, or if they didn't realize it, they endear themselves to me all over again. I'm still waiting for others to start re-endearing themselves to me".
i'm not waiting anymore. i'm moving on. if that's too harsh, and too much for some to handle than our relationship has run its course; it happens, accept it. i owe you nothing, just like you owe me nothing, i believe you get what you give, and both RB and I haven't been gettin' what we've been given for years. i refuse to wake up at 50 and resent everyone around us because i thought i was doing the right thing, and the universe wasn't reciprocating. that's why i love this blog.
i told you we were going places; you have a choice, you're either coming with me, and accepting me for who i am, who i have always been, or i'm leaving you behind to enjoy the memories we've shared and i'm making new ones with the ones that are willing to stay with me for my wild, insane, erratic ride. your choice. but don't be surprised, and don't hate me because i chose to be honest.
anger makes you ugly, and age quicker. i plan on keeping young and beautiful.
No comments:
Post a Comment