Sunday, February 5, 2012

the ac after thought...

atlantic city a place where people become gynecologists! why is it necessary for girls to find the need to wear the most ridiculous looking outfits. where on earth do they even sell these items? not for nothing, i'm no model, far from it actually, but still. if you aren't familiar with atlantic city it a a "city" on the shore where non-paid whores and paid whores show off their lady-bits.  i literally saw more vagina than i see on a daily basis and  i have one of my own. girls- get a mirror, a clue, and cover up the cottage cheese legs, ass and arms. stop wearing shoes and boots that you can't walk in sober especially if you are barefoot at the end of 3 vodka sodas, it's a hot mess, real quick.

obviously, i recently made the 180 mile trip to the 'great' city on the shore. we figured it would provide us an interesting adventure for a friday night affair. plus, it was a kick off for JD's crossing over into the dark side, (dirty-thirty). as we are making are way into 'downtown' ac, we are seeing signs for the upcoming performing artists, with each passing artist it is becoming quite clear that these artists careers are simply over, dead, ended. RIP Lauryn Hill, how sad, because she was once an amazing r&b/ hip-hop artist. mind you, we arrive in the hotel, it's huge, we get lost, ask for directions and the people who work there are 1/2-1 whole less a chromosome, therefore can't seem to help direct us to our final destination. great. we manage anyway, unlike the workers at the ac hotels, we are not cognitively impaired and figure their fucking retarded layout out.

after a dinner of singing, drinking, unwrapping numerous gifts of the exact same contents we ventured out into the crazed land of the casino. we went with golden girls we work with. the 50+ ladies we love. they are old enough to be our moms but they laugh at everything we do so it's kinda fun.

a loss of some cash in the slots and "huge wins" in penny slots, and me putting my card in every slot i could just so it would say "Hi Rapunzel" to me and i could wave back,  JD and i decided that we needed to add a little flavor to the evening. we began cheering on the golden girls for every minor hit on every penny slot. i mean cheering out loud to the point of attracting a crowd of. old ladies think what the golden girls are hitting, and we were yelling; $4.00, $36.00, $.75, $.10, etc. we're chasing down cocktail waitresses for free watered down shitty ass drinks because we figure if we are going to be here, we should try to drink a little, until finally it's 1:15am and we make it to some tables and play real games.

we immediately win back out lost slot money and one golden girl asks, "whats the pink chi worth?", we answer, "two-fifty". she seems shocked! she shouts, "two-fifty?! wow!" we laugh immediately and say, "no, two dollars and fifty cents." i head up to bed around 3:15, get lost on my way, but before i go i tell JD, she will wake me. so, sure as shit, i finally fall asleep at around 10 to 4, and at 10 after 4, my phone rings. "Rapunzel, the elevator will not go up to the 10th floor, are you sure we are in room 1039". "if we aren't in 1039, than i am sleeping in someone elses bed". "how can i get upstairs?" she asks. i tell JD to stay by the elevators, i'm coming down. of course she doesn't get the message and of course i'm in my jammies, which consist of a pearl jam concert tee-shirt circa 1996, huge sweatpants, and no bra and of course she's not there when i make it down. finally there is a huge amount of drunk and ridiculously UGLY people at the elevators while i wait for her to make it back. when she does she insists that the elevators don't work. we get in the elevator, i push ten, it doesn't work, JD says, "see, i told you!" i walk to the other side of the elevator, press ten, sure as shit, it works, i turn to her and laugh.

we get up to the room, finally get into the bed and she's worried because she thought i said "you better NOT wake me." i remind her that's not true, we laugh again about our interesting evening and try to get to bed. she tells me that she over heard some rando guy tell his drunk girlfriend, "i know i should have told you sooner, but we are just fourth cousins!"

i sleep maybe 4 hours tops, we get home, and go out to dinner and enjoy our saturday night. now, none of this may seem like anything worth reading about, or all that interesting. and maybe it was one of those "you had to be there times", but, by the time, JD and i got home or back to NY we were so feisty, punch drunk and tired, all we could do was laugh. it was worth it, and it was a good laugh, it's a weekend that we won't forget that's for sure, and a weekend that we have one liners that will last us a few months.

in the end, RIP Lauryn Hill and what a HUGE WIN! man, you're a Feisty Bitch! last but not least awesome hotel Bathroom Coffee... you all know what i'm talking about... so the next time you are thinking about an interesting weekend at the shore, just remember you'll earn your gynecological degree in the process.


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