if i were you i might worry. there may come a time in your life that i may just say what exactly is on my mind to your fucking face. i honest to goodness wish that people would just shut. the. fuck. up sometimes. noise. their voices are fucking noise. even my own voice is noise. at least i have the foresight to be aware of it.
this month marks my one year anniversary of beginning 'therapy' and at first i thought it was so great and helpful, healing, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. i think i might be worse off. i truly despise myself. sure, i self reflect. sure, i am more cognitively aware of my attitude, how i speak, think and act. behaviorally, i am advanced because i am more self aware and with that self awareness comes self-loathing. i am an annoying human being. i hate being around myself. i have realized i have to stop going for my own sake. i mention this because i think its important for you to know that i am well aware that i am not perfect; far from it. i know that i am an insignificant person to others, that i can be irritating, and that i can pinpoint my imperfections. this is fucking hysterical, (i hope you are laughing, i would if i were you), because how many people do you know can be aware of all this shit about themselves, introspectively self-aware and still not be able to find a way to 'auto correct'?
i say you should worry because, there may come a time, in all honesty, that you will ask me something, and want the truth and i just might give it to you believing that you actually want to hear it. in reality, most people are not willing, ready and/or able to handle my truths. i'm brutal. i mean, seriously, look how i talk about myself. of course, we are our own worst critics, but i pretty much take the cake in this department. it has happened in the past that someone has asked me something completely mindless in some regard like "what do you think of my sisters wedding gown?" and i have been completely and utterly honest, like saying, "i don't give a fuck about your sisters wedding gown. shit, i wouldn't give a fuck if it were you're wedding gown and we were getting married, you truly don't matter that much to me", and they have said, "oh, rapunzel, you are so funny" because they just don't believe that i am that serious, or how could i possibly be that mean/cruel/brutally honest.
then there are those who don't worry. my friends. truth be told, regardless of my brutal honesty with them, they just keep it going. but sometimes i'm not sure they are even paying attention or listening. maybe they are just brushing me off, like my usual roller coaster self, i'll just dust myself off and get up and be fine like i usually am. meanwhile, i'm waving, screaming, drowning, asking for some attention that i feel like i deserve and i'm not getting it because it's just "not my style". i let it go, things slide, and life, well, life goes on...
i suppose i could just keep doing what i do now and walk away from people. hide in another room, hide behind a blog spouting profanity about a funny, aggressive, roller coaster ride, bag of human emotion, seems way more amusing to people. even still, every now and again and aggressive quip of nastiness is bound to fall the fuck out and that's why i say i wish people would shut. the. fuck. up. otherwise...
i would worry if i were you. you may not like what i have to say. you may think it's funny. you make think its sad. you may think it's just me making a lot of noise.
i know this much; it's only going to get worse as i get older, it sure as shit will get funnier though to those that it's not being said to. i hope you don't feel the wrath, and instead you get a good laugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment