if i had a do-over...

do overs are difficult because they are a catch-22. on the one hand i kinda feel all those experiences i've had in my lifetime i have had for a reason. they've help to mold me, shape me, create me into the person that i am and i feel good about all those unique and special, devastating, life altering experiences because they are mine. they set me apart from others. if they are apart of my past and make me who i am now and help to dictate who i might be in the future because they are there to serve a purpose: they are there to teach me. i have learned from my experiences.

however, on the other hand if i had the opportunity for a do-over... could you imagine the things that can be done? the foresight? but then, think about it. no pain? or minimal pain? what's pleasure without the pain? wouldn't you avoid pain? i might. maybe i wouldn't. maybe, i would just avoid a situation; like go "left" instead of "right", said, "yes" instead of "no".

did you ever see the movie "sliding doors"? it's not an academy award winning film, but it's an interesting concept. the idea that 2 parallels can exist. the life that happens if she catches the train and the life that happens if she missed the train. either way it works out. i started this particular entry 3 weeks ago when my faith began to wane. i wasn't sure how things were going to work out for me. i keep trying to tell myself it all will. it'll all make sense and be what it should be and needs to be. i'm not a bad person. i have no reason to be punished. sure, i'd take a do-over to some extent or a "go back in time" kinda scenario based on certain situations i've experienced, but doubt creeps in my mind and i feel defeated, broken, faithless...

stop.
breath.
head to the beach. listen to the waves. <open, close>. feel the sun on your face. you have faith, beauty, you will not be broken; you will bend, you will not break or be defeated. no one wants to listen anymore, i need to listen to myself, you need to listen to yourself, stop looking for others to help you find the answers; simply stop trying to find answers at all. just go. i don't need a do-over. this is the path, all i need is some comfy shoes to walk upon it.