examining the past

untitled

empty, but yet full of life
nothing left to be discovered
but nothing known
where am i?
in a dream? or
awake as the bright blue sky?
i wander in search of something that i don't even know if it exists
or not
but what am i looking for?
love, intelligence, companionship
alone time or just myself?
looking in a mirror is like looking at a blank space
or a poorly lighted hallway
no doors to escape to,
not knowing where it leads, just space
hollow, and poorly lit
it's evil, life, you know
we walk around not ever really knowing anything
but living out thoughts, impressions and choices
i am a free spirit!
but free to do what?

this was written almost 12 years ago if not 12 years ago exactly. i was about 18 years old. i found it in a published college poetry "zine" in my room. when i read it it brought back every memory and feeling that made me write it. i understood and re-identified with the 18-year freshman girl who wrote it. i feel exactly the same way that she did every time i read it. i can't escape it.

you think that when you grow up, so much of you changes, and it does, but so much of you doesn't change at all. everything that this 18 year-old college freshman was writing about, whether you understand it, you relate to it, or not, i do, i feel it, i still, at 30, am this way. who knew that it would be so. i do know that the 18 year-old version of me thought for sure that the 30 year-old me would have a better understanding, or at least most of what the 18 year-old was referring to figured out, and in reality, i have to let the 18 year-old down and let her know, i don't. the truth is, the 18 year-old version of me isn't disappointed at all. she's relieved. she's relieved to know that it doesn't get any easier, or better, or more understood. nothing gets figured out, it only gets more complicated. it all gets more and more complicated. it's a relief to me that it does. it's a warped sense of thinking, but at least that's the consistent thing in this realm of mine.

there are few things i can count on; complications are one of them, and it's a relief to know, in a weird way that a complication will arise, i will have faith that i will make it through, i will learn from it, and i may or may not have figured something out. what's the point in worrying all the time? that just seems like time wasted on things that are out of my control, things that i can't change, things that hopefully i can learn from, laugh about later. this written work was a product of an 18 year-old who hoped she'd have something figured out, little did she know, that she was better off by having nothing figured out, she was freer than having something figured out... so stop worrying, have faith and breathe.