insignificant people.

it has been mentioned recently to me that i care about insignificant people. let it be known that that statement is in fact not necessarily all true. there is a perfectly good rationale here. it may not make sense to you now, however it may make sense to you after this.

my husband and i were at a party one evening, and a young man who is friendly with the host of the party was explaining to my husband why he should attend an event. my husband, we'll call him RB, didn't want to attend this event, but i was intrigued by the event- it was for a good cause. while i was listening to the reasoning as to why RB should attend the event i was devising a way that i could talk him into going until... until the young man said this...

"one of the prizes is a <brand name> handbag. which, if you win it, should keep you getting laid by this one (pointing at me as if i were some door prize), for at least a month!"

RB said nothing. but looked at me knowing i was fuming with anger. i wanted to pummel the asshole for gesturing towards me as though i could somehow be bought by some measly piece of brand name material, or as if i was some kind of brand name whore, that all my husband needed to do to get me to sleep with him would be to have him provide me with some name brand item. it is astounding to me that men or people in general think that women are some stupid and pitiful creature. so much so, that we can be bought. to be perfectly honest i can be bought, but not by some measly brand name bag- how about something worth while, a month's, all expense paid vacation to hawaii, italy, greece or a house. not some bag, or a pair of shoes for cryin' out loud. not a fuckin' item that if i wanted to get myself i could just go to the store and buy myself you shit for brains.

anyway. i was slightly aggravated with RB for not saying anything to the young man along the lines of; "hey man, that's my wife, not some cheap tramp". however, i have always been known to speak up for myself on these type of occasions. i bit my tongue because of the young mans relationship to someone important to my husband. so out of respect i made a small, "watch it" comment, walked away still fuming, and didn't bother talking RB into going to the event.

later, RB asked why i still seemed so annoyed. he stated that he didn't understand, "why do you let people who don't matter bother you so much?" this particular question has been a particular problem for me since i was a teenager however, i have been able to overcome most of its most crippling effects.

i used to simply bite my tongue regardless of the person. now, there's a measurement of importance; a level of significance if you will, for which a response is given and chosen for each person. this is a lot of work, but it's better than biting my tongue and it's far better than telling everyone that they are being an asshole. (you see, unlike my mom or RB, i come off nasty, my point often doesn't get through or across well because of my attitude, where as, RB and mom, who might be saying the exact same thing, it's how they say it, that penetrates easier), so, if you truly don't matter, depending on the level of offense i either ignore you, or tell you that you are an outright asshole, if you matter somewhat to me, i try my best to be honest without being rude, if you are important to someone important to me, i try to tell the person important to me that you have done something shitty and hope that they take care of it, if not, i ask if i can take care of it.

it's a lot of different levels, and at this current age and stage in life everyone is different as is every reaction. sometimes, i'm not "permitted" to have my kind of reaction, when that happens, man oh, man does that make me angry. the only person i have ever met that is similar to me in this regard is *June. when i told her this story, she shook her head the entire time, she knew what i was saying before i said it, she knew what i meant even when i didn't, she understood my anger, my frustration and where all of it came from. even you now, do you get it? does any of this make sense? do you have any idea of what the hell i am describing? imagine not being able to react to something the way your heart and emotions are telling you to. 



with all this said, you're going to have to deal with insignificant people in your life. the people you love, are gonna want to associate with other people who are gonna wanna associate with insignificant people and you're gonna have to pretend to give a shit about them. i just can't guarantee that i'll always be able to have a reaction that's "appropriate" or up to your level of approval.

lastly, if you think, ever, that i'm some name brand whore that can be bought, or that my husband needs to buy my love, or sex, you've met the wrong woman. the next time that young man or anyone passes a comment along those lines, i promise all of you and myself, i won't be so polite as to bite my tongue.