make plans?

crap. i'm so tired. i have so many little thoughts running around in my head, which coincidentally has given me a headache today. i've managed to gain 6 pounds in the last 5 days- how does that even happen. irrelevant.

reasons why, personally, i don't make plans. it rains, it hails, a freak tornado hits. months ago i decided i would register for a measly little 4 mile run, now, lets be perfectly honest here and say that i don't actually run, it's what we call a wog- part walk, part jog. last week while "training" and apparently gaining 6 pounds, i pulled my groin muscle. most people wouldn't think this to be such a big deal and it really isn't, except for all the times prior to this small little occasion leading up to this pulled groin muscle.

now, i could sit here and bore you with a monotonous listing of plans made that get fucked up by something dumb, like last month i was supposed to go to 6 flags with my cousins and some friends and all week its in the 60's except the day we decide to go it fucking snows. or, the time my husband decided that after a real rough first year of marriage, planned a surprise trip to the bahamas and it's the coldest march they had on record in 60 years. anyway, i've got plenty of those kinda things, random things, things that when i tell people they say, "no way, what are the chances", well folks, ME, i'm the chances. you know when you go to the dentist and they have to pull some teeth and they give you some random percentage of something happening, i AM that random percentage. this is NOT a complaint. i repeat, this is NOT a complaint. without all this random planning collapse, i wouldn't have these amazing tidbits of fun for you to enjoy.

so, my friends decide that they are going to do a small 5K at the end of the summer in their home town to which i was visiting and invited me to do it with them. of course i say "sure thing", it's a 5K. my friends are nervous about this home town 5K because it takes place in their town, on their high school campus, (us NYC kids don't have "campus's", mind you), their old track coach is in charge of the race, so this is a big to-do for them. i'm not all that concerned or worried, i'm looking at it as another workout. race day is here and everyone is ready to go, an entire fleet of people, i tell them it shouldn't take me longer than 40 minutes even if i WALK the entire thing. "ok" they say, "no problem" they say. then the rain comes; i told you, plans with me involved not smart, start time is now pushed maybe 45 minutes.

fast forward 45 minutes....

yahoo! we start. it's getting a little dark but not to worry it's only a 5K. remember how i said it was a small 5K- that's important to remember because as i am finishing my first mile, by myself, and the teenage volunteers are barely waiting for me, i'm realizing there are no signs pointing me in the direction that the race is supposed to go. this is not my home town. there are about 80 people in this race and 79 of them are in front of me, and 79 of them are from this town. oh, and it's getting dark, and i wear glasses, which i have to keep on while wogging to see where the hell i am because there are no people and no signs. luckily we are in a residential neighborhood and i have on my trusty nike+ thingy that measures how far you've traveled.

i've gone 1 1/2 miles, halfway done, but yet, no clue as to where i am, and no one in sight. so i stroll up someone's driveway, "excuse me, hi, how are you? sorry to bother you but can you tell me which way the race is?", "um, yeah, blah, blah, blah". "ok, great, thanks, have a great night!" and i keep it moving. i'm thinking "tattoo asshole across my forehead now!".

mile 2 down and i hit a fork and i have to ask directions again, same question, same response. finally i make it to the main road and i'm jumping for joy on the inside because i know where i am at this point. i meet an old man at the top of this hill and he's working the "race" and he's cheering me on, and i have this urge to punch him because he has no idea how angry i am at this point that i had to ask for directions, but it figures right,  i mean, i am me. i'm so close to the finish and making great time, he tells me to follow the road to the end and i'll be to the finish. i high five the old man, and book it.

follow the road my ass- get to the bottom of the hill it splits in three, i choose wrong every time and have to go back up each time, finally when i choose correctly, i see the finish but i am so annoyed, i am ready to run across the field and say "fuck it", but i don't and i keep going. i make my way around this campus, and school and parking lot. when i get to the bottom there are 3 or 4 teenage girls who look at me, look at the number strapped to my chest and say with an attitude that warranted a slap, "are you still racing?!", my reply, "if you had some fucking people working, or some fucking signs, as to where the finish was i might have been done already!" i could tell my language shocked them, and i was ready to lunge at them when i saw a friend of a friend who pointed me in the direction in which i needed to go.

as i made my way the remaining 3/10ths of a mile, my bestie came walking up towards me, i looked at the time, it had been 48 minutes already, i had traveled 6K, and i hadn't even finished yet! she was smiling and i was not. i was seething, i wanted to do well, i wanted to finish close to my friends, i wanted to punch those girls and the old man. i began to cry out of anger, i began to laugh because it was ridiculous and hilarious.

as i approach the finish line all these people, who are not my friends, do that terrible death clap, you know the one that starts out slow and goes faster, like i'm some kinda dummy who can't do a 5K. i almost lost my shit. the people in charge of the race started cheering as i was going to finish... ha ha ha ha... i cut my nose off to spite my face. i walked so slow, like i was in a marching band across that finish line, and as i did so, i said perhaps next time, you will put people or a SIGN on the road telling you which way to go for us out of TOWNERS!

needless to say, i was annoyed. i'm still annoyed. but i'm more annoyed that i couldn't run it to keep up with everyone, but not. nope, i'm more annoyed that you can have a race and not bother to take the time to read where people are from and realize you need a fucking sign with an arrow that says "that way" or "this way".

i should get extra credit. my race was longer. i will do it again. i hope i finish dead last. but, i hope i don't get lost next time.

as for this sunday's measly little 4 mile race. there will be signs. it's in central park. although, maybe i shouldn't speak too soon, i've already pulled my groin, who knows what the plan god's will have in store for me this time around. hopefully it'll be funny and make me and everyone else laugh.