when you're 30 &...

when you are 30, and married for a while, or hell, when you are 30, and dating, shit, it starts well before that. people just feel the need to intrude on your personal life. they ask ridiculous questions they shouldn't be. if it's family we excuse it as a culture usually because we assume it is coming from a caring, heartfelt place. some families though, its just coming from a sense of entitlement, nosey fuckers. (i smell by the way, running on the treadmill produces the foulest of smells from people including myself- yuk). i digress, so as a woman, it starts for a lot of us around the time we graduate college, maybe before that. for me, it wasn't ever like that.

my immediate family never questioned nor rushed me in anyway to grow up, move out, get married or procreate. the only request anyone ever had of me was to be happy and to "do the right thing". i guess i was in my mid-twenties when my extended family began the intrusion- "when are you getting married?, when are you moving out of your parents house?"- i wasn't used to the questions and i was still young so i'd politely answer, "i don't know". i thought the questioning would stop. i was wrong. i'd still answer as politely as i humanly could. if you know me at all, it takes a lot for me to be polite when i feel like it's truly none of your business. then finally i got engaged. i thought, "sweet, mystery of life at last, everyone will leave me alone!" wrong, again! it got worse. now, it wasn't just my extended family. it now became some of my in-laws, and co-workers, and some of my in-laws friends! who are you people?! and why the fuck should you have any say on what, when, where, how and who i do anything, anywhere, etc! oh goodness it was irritatingly frustrating. still, i continued to be as polite, and answer as best and as much as i could, especially when it came to my in-laws. this obviously continued, as it does for many people. i know for a FACT i am not alone.

i'm not going to get into the last 3 years of my life for you because that would be too much, if you know me personally, you already know- but i would first like to say: that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, second: everything i've been through, i'm happy to have gone through it, it all pretty much sucked at the time and i'll continue to 'go through' it, but without it i wouldn't be me, everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense now, it will work out and make sense one day, third: don't judge others because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, fourth: mind your own house, stay the hell out of mine- meaning- mind your own business...

so here i am, married almost 3 years, and 30, living in an apartment, cozy. like a cannon, the questions are a firing... (i don't find it necessary to list the questions, i'm sure you can all imagine them, if you haven't already heard them all yourself)... i've decided that at 30, i'm OFFICIALLY an adult. I've held a salaried position for 9 years, i have multiple degrees, i take care of a home, i have a family, even if it's just we two, i no longer need to be that polite little girl who answers everyones questions that i used to be regardless of who you are. i began thinking of a variety of ways to get around not answering. first in a polite way, then finally when they wouldn't get it, in an all out nasty way. i'm a nasty person, if you didn't know, so i've been told. i tried, tried, and tried again. "i'm barren", "we're not ready", "now's not the time", "not interested", "you keep having them, so i don't have to", "trying to loose weight, don't feel like gaining weight...", "i'm enjoying all my friends kids", "no, i'm good, really, i'm all set, my students are a natural form of birth control". then, it happened. i figured it out. fuck it. i don't need to be nasty. i can be honest. i can say to people, it was none of their business, mind their own house.

i don't need to dance around the reality of any of it. who are you to tell me when i should buy a house? get a new job? have a fucking kid? loose weight? gain weight? love my husband more? stay out of the sun? go into the sun? get some more sleep? get less sleep? who are you to ask me if i am pregnant? if i am pregnant again? still pregnant? when will i get pregnant again? mind your house, stay the fuck out of mine. when i want you to know something, believe me bitches, you'll know. if i want you to know something, i'll tell you. when i am ready, i'll let you in, until then, stay out. don't ask.

below you will find some of my favorite responses i've been giving people to the ever pressing baby question. enjoy and laugh along with me. remember, mind your own house.

person 1, holding a 2 month old: "so when will you have one of these?"

me, knowing this person hasn't gone out in a while:, "oh, yeah, i'm really enjoying this glass of wine here, can't enjoy this pregnant. when was the last time you had a night with just you and your husband and a bottle of wine, or hell a night alone?"

person 2:, "so, when will you get started on having a baby?"

me, big smile: "hey now; what kinda foreplay do you prefer?"

person 3:, <ahem> "been married a long time. don't you think it's about that time?"

me:,   "about what time? to break forth the rhythm and the rhyme?"

person 4:, "when will you have a baby?"

me:, "not sure. if i were a seer, i certainly wouldn't waste my talents on figuring that crap out, i'd try to win the lotto instead."

person 5:, "why don't you have a baby?"

me:, "probably better that i don't, i really enjoy drinking a variety of alcoholic beverages, heard thats not cool for a fetus and such."

now, maybe all these responses aren't the best way to be truthful, and honest but everyone leaves me the hell alone after i give these answers. they work like a charm at shutting people up. they make people uncomfortable, then i'm left alone, smiling.