don't harsh my mellow, man.

we have embarked on this new adventure and i completely blame RB. Mister- i want to own something has known dragged me into his work of nonsense. i'm aggravated and i am currently complaining because i can, knowing full well, that it isn't that big of a deal, and it will all be fine, etc. just so you all know, i'm not complaining or aggravated because i'm worried in any way, shape or form.

so, on September 26, 2012 we placed a bid on a run-down two bedroom apartment not far from where we live. it is currently almost April, and we still have no closing date in sight and not board approval date either. although both of these things are annoying, i still go with the flow and know that it will all be fine, if the sellers decide not to sell to us because this is taking too long, then so be it. i'm fine with having to look for another place to live in all honesty. but what i am currently frustrated with is the fact that i just tried to make an appointment to drop off this ridiculous package to the board of directors at the apartment and not only was the lady rude, and spoke to me as though meeting mid morning on a work day is common knowledge but also that i am an idiot for not knowing RB and I had to go. annoyance there in the fact that i get to waste a personal work day for this bullshit. mind you i could look at it as a great day to take off with my husband and spend the day, but i'm aggravated because i don't earn days the way he does, work "x" hours, get a day, nope the DOE are a bunch of dumb assholes, so everything is a project. RB should have called when he received the application to find out what the appointment thing was all about, but you know what they say about hind sight.

the worst of the worst of all this aggravation is i don't have any desire to live there anymore. i want nothing to do with this shit of a place, who have navigated the last few months of my life between telling us the bank from which we received our loan is an unacceptable bank, to springing it on us that we have to put 10% down before anything happened - which REALLY makes me irate because now we have had 10% of our down payment trapped within this fucking shit whole of an apartment. also, i can't have a dog here, and that is not what our useless realtor said when we were looking.

i've had enough. i'm broken, you have broken me. i have made an valiant attempt at keeping my mellow and not having anyone harsh it, but this just proves that i am right about so many things. i knew we shouldn't do this, but i followed RB's lead thinking, assuming, he knew best and it is apparent that he is clueless, and shouldn't have been leader on this particular mile-stone. with all this being said, i love my husband, everything WILL be fine, and work out. plus, if this is by far the worst and most aggravated i get this year, then it was a pretty good year.

9th birthday relived.

so, when i was younger i lived a life of tootie. i was never without my roller skates. to prepare for my 32nd birthday i strapped on my old skates and practiced in my mothers kitchen prior to working out- hence my awesome running pants. i almost forgot how much fun skating was, and how easy it came to me. as a matter of fact my 11 year old nephew came with me, RB, my big "sis" and good friend, and he had no clue as to what he should have been doing on said skates. it made me sad, but also think how fortunate i was when i younger that i had no fear and did everything with a skate on. i miss those skates, and that lifestyle of rolling around everywhere. i want to have a skate date every weekend, mostly when children aren't present, they get in the way with those plastic roller-skater walkers. i'm looking forward to another skate date, and maybe throwing myself a party at the rink, reliving my 9th birthday all over again. who's in?

It's Always All About ME!!

Happy birthday to me! today at 10:32pm i will officially be 32. not exactly what i thought i'd be like at 32, but i'm not unhappy about it either. my birthday in recent years has become this few day event of celebrating. i kinda like it. i blame RB. the eve before my birthday, yesterday- which is a very lovely friend of mine birthday who lives far far away, i'm sorry we are NEVER together for our days- i usually spend with my MIL.

MIL likes to have her own private time with us, and I'm more than willing to oblige. my actual birthday, dinner is at my parents house, always, if it's a weekend, i get birthday breakfast too at my favorite breakfast spot in the city. the next day, we get a birthday break because it's our wedding anniversary! ha ha- suckers. usually we do hot dogs, or something silly, this year, a fancy dinner at a new and different restaurant. finally, there's the quality party time with friends and quality family time with family. so really it's a 4 day birthday affair with 1 day anniversary break.

and just like that, it's all over and i have to wait a whole year to do it all over again. i like my birthday and i don't like it because i have to wait a whole year for it to be all about me all over again. i try to think of something every year that might be fun to do with my family and or with my friends, something different than just sitting around eating. for my dirty thirty, we played the Wii- "Just Dance"video game, that was a lot of fun. this year i suggested roller skating before dinner, just like my 9th birthday party at laces in LI. so far, everyone is in.

i used to not even want to celebrate my birthday, i felt like no one really cared, and it was an inconvenience; isn't that stupid. why should i care if it's an inconvenience? if you love me or care about me at all you make the effort, it's not my job to be concerned if you care or not. so there you have it. my birthday week actually began last friday, when i got my first birthday gifts and cards- i love cards. saturday got some more gifts, sunday was a day of relaxing. yesterday, like i said should have been with my MIL- poor thing can't remember what plans she had made, so we ended up rescheduling for next week, no big deal really. but today, today's the day, (and friday and saturday of course), the days that matter.

happy birthday to me. cheers to many years more, pal. going to lace my skates up and get ready for saturday.

no addictions = no follow through

with my 32nd birthday just round the corner i feel the need to, similar to a lot of people, think about what i have accomplished and what i will want to accomplish in the future. i don't have much, it's simply a small/short list. my biggest issue/problem/contender in not "allowing" me to follow through with my goals is the shear fact that i don't have an addictive personality. ahh, yes, you think that's great! i can't become addicted to smoking, drugs, alcohol, even shitty television programming. however, i believe that a little bit of an additive personality can go a long way when trying to achieve something like a simple accomplishment before death.

let me explain. growing up, i swam, i went to school, and college and grad school all consecutively, never stopping, never resting. this was good because i finished everything, a goal was met, and i was young, so i didn't want to disappoint, or get a shitty job. i didn't need to be addicted to any of it, and when i finished with it all, it was over, that's it, case closed. now, with a simple list of things i'd like to accomplish, none of them have really any true holds on work, health, or social benefits. lets look at the list of accomplishments quickly:

complete an ironman triathlon by age 35.
have a kid (maybe, still kinda freaks me out), by age 35.
be able to do a headstand by age 33.
travel, travel, travel before being worm food.
get another degree- photography is the degree of choice this week.
get a doctorate and become a professor of religious studies.
learn to surf.

see the list. i need an addictive personality to become addicted to working out, then and only then can i properly train for a 2.4 mile swim, followed by a 112 mile bike finished off with a 26.2 mile run, the headstand can be worked in there as a training device, and producing healthy offspring that don't ravage my body can also be fit into that equation.

the degree stuff would be nice, then i can hit my top salary offered to me as a shit-on-their-shoes city employee. learning to surf goes with travel, travel, travel. i don't have to be an addict to travel, i think i do a decent job of traveling, i know i can do better, but i really should save more money.

i don't have an addictive personality. i watch shows and after a while i'm bored and need to move on, find another show to watch. must freak the shit out of RB, thinking i'm going to become bored with him and leave. figuring after 13 years that hasn't happened, i think it's safe to say that's were my laziness comes in; why on earth would i want to devote more time and energy in retraining, as it is he still has a long way to go! <exasperated sigh>.

even my friends aren't an addiction. as much as i love them, it's a lot of work for me to keep them. probably why i don't have that many and the ones i do have know this about me, and therefore help-a-sister-out. i hope no one is reading this and thinking, "what an awful human being, doesn't like, her friends, husband or TV!?" it's not like that. some things for me have to be mindless, i wish i were addicted to something productive, at least then i'd have follow through. seriously, with a show of hands how many of you have actually received your crossed-stitched blankets that have all been started but none yet finished?!

 i am devoted to my friends and family, not addicted to them, and i can't seem to find something or anything to be devoted or addicted to at this stage in the game that will aid in achieving my small, goals.  i will look around at other people and have a sigh of relief that at the very least i have done something in my life, and i know what i want to be "when i grow up", but it's the middle that's fucking me up.

so happy birthday to me, maybe i can become addicted to exercise long enough to achieve some of the shit above, and then take a few online courses here and there to get a pay raise which would provide me with more money to travel. see, it's seems easy. now if only i can off the couch.

Shit! I'm old.

i have 3 "godchildren" however, only 1 of the 3 have been baptized which makes me really her "godmother". it just so happens that she is also the first godchild i have, which in turn makes her my favorite, but that can always change (wink, wink).

AC was born when i was 10 days shy of my 14th birthday. i was in the 8th grade and living it up. she was born and it was a shock to have her come along, but alas, she was a blessing in disguise as most surprise babies are. she had big blue eyes, and a huge grin. she was a happy baby from what i can remember, and she looked just like her mother. when she was baptized i swore to god that i would teach her all the things a godmother is supposed to teach her, and then some. she had many nicknames and talents, Medusa was one name on the list, and by age 4 she could recite and perform every move in the "Spice Girls Movie". it only occurred to me recently that when she was growing and being a kids kid, i was in college, and missed out on some important teachings.

all of a sudden she was in high school, and i had been "gone", from her life. i mean i was there to go to dance recitals, and birthdays, and even babysit on the rare occasion that her grandparents couldn't babysit. i tried to help out, but i didn't want to over step my boundaries as a godmother and not a parent. what i didn't realize is that you can make suggestions or help out as long as you figure out a good way to do it, but, the tricky thing with first children and first time parents is that you (the parent) want to figure it out, and do it your way.  sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. this isn't to say AC wasn't raised well, or had everything she ever asked for and more, this is more of a hit on my own ego that i wish i spoke up more often to make an effort in understanding her.

i understand this kid more than she knows. i can speak the things she has trouble putting into words, but instead i chose to sit back and not help her out, and watch her make silly choices that could have been avoided. silly choices will be made regardless of who intervenes, BUT, repetitive silly choices can always be avoided. i don't blame myself completely, i am not mad at myself, but i am disappointed that someone like me, so outspoken most of the time, couldn't open my mouth to help the kid out.

nothing terrible has happened, nothing earth shattering that is. i just worry she'll turn out like me, as awesome as i am, i have, if you haven't noticed, a lot of built of bullshit that brews and sits and soaks into the recesses of my mind and fucks with me and my choices as an adult. i wouldn't wish my "retardation" on anyone, it's no way to live.

she's a great kid. smart, beautiful, caring, kind, hilarious, family oriented, sweet, and good taste in music- (which is a recent phenomenon). she turns 18 on sunday, and i just hope that she realizes all the good and beauty in this world she is. she's deserving of so much more than she gives herself credit for, and truly, can be, ANYTHING.

18? shit! i'm old. guess, that makes me, 27 all over again.

Happy birthday my dear, darling, sweet, AC! Cheers to many HAPPY, amazing, and wonderful years more! love- yaya

thoughts that cross my warped mind.

have you ever seen a fat<heavy> person do yoga? i haven't either. i mean, in really amazing positions and on posters and such. i have seen heavy people do yoga in a studio. i've really only ever seen thin people, very flexible thin people. i guess, i should take a hint and give it a better "college" try maybe then i won't be that chubby girl doing yoga, i'll get to be that really thin, bendy person.

happy "regular" people valentine's day.

the double F (ff)

double F as this month has been coined recently, due to the annual February Funk that i seem to find myself in circa 1999. it isn't a funk like other funks, it fluctuates from day to day. some days i'm angry and nasty, some i'm fine, some i'm simply frustrated, others i want to sleep. let me say that this funk, although known, is never expected, or welcomed with open arms. it creeps up, like a project you forgot to do and suddenly is due in a day.

generally, this is the progression of the double F; a few days either leading up to February or the immediate beginning of February, i start to become snarky, and easily frustrated, i'll snap at RB or i'll catch myself crying for, what seems like,  no reason. i'll frantically look at the calendar to check on my cycle, i'll focus on things happening at work, stress, projects, etc, then i will actually focus on what's going on at home that might be setting me off. the usual result: i look at the calendar and realize that i shouldn't have hormonal reactions to things, stresses at work are the same as every other month, and home is home. it clicks- it's february, it's the double f.

it's not an excuse to be rude, or angry. trust me, i wish i could control the roller coaster of emotions i often feel throughout the month. its really difficult not having a filter whatsoever, and having an extremely sensitive, low-self-worth feeling husband who does nothing but try so desperately to make you happy and smile, which some might find cute and sweet, but i want to throw a frying pan at him for it all.

i don't know how to make anyone understand how little control i have over myself. i can't escape my mind. i'm trapped in thoughts i shouldn't be having, and re-thinking, over-thinking everything. it makes me sick, literally.

i cannot be excused for my behavior, however, it seems unfair to hold me accountable for it for the entire month. i try to appropriately express my feelings and my not being able to deal with anyone or anything prior to flipping my shit, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

so, here it is, this month- not so good for me, not so good for anyone having to come in contact with me. i wish i could figure this out, so far, no go. i feel like all at once i could run away, get divorced, have a baby, quite my job, sell my clothes, buy a new wardrobe, move out, kill someone, workout every day, not work out at all, sleep 18 hours a night, sleep 4 hours a night, eat everything, or starve myself.

whatever you're currently feeling, magnify it by 10 and you just might come closet to understanding how i've been feeling. don't feel bad for RB either, not for nothing, he doesn't make it easier on himself. when asked to be left alone, he often crawls up my ass so far i feel like i'm getting another colonoscopy. trust me, he's a good man, and means well, but sometimes that can only go so far.

welcome to my double f, hopefully it won't be as bad as it has been in the past.